Parenting by Strengths

Using Stories From the Lives of Multiracial/ African-American Female Artists To Form A Positive Racial Identity

By Janice Van Buren, Ph.D.

In “Lets Have a Story: How to talk to your kids about race 1”, narratives/stories were discussed as effective means of helping parents talk about complex issues, such as, race/racism, sex, and money. Parenting narratives can be books, oral traditions of storytelling, family stories, family pictures, videos, plays, and art. (Parentingbystrengths.com/ archives).

 Art will help us explore with kids the stories of multiracial and African-American female artists who are quite accomplished in their lives and artwork. They excelled despite obstacles placed in their way because of their gender, ethnicity, and the themes used in their artwork (e.g. slavery, stereotyping, racism, bullying, discrimination, African-American life, etc.). Learning about their stories can be useful to your multiracial children in their development of a positive racial identity, self -concept, and a sense of competence.

These wonderful women are extraordinary and accomplished. The stories of these great visual artists (painters, sculptors, quilt makers- artists, photographers) will serve as inspiration and role models. 

At the end of each story there are suggested activities related to the story. Most can be adapted to your child's age. Also, there will be links to works of the artist, museums and galleries, references.

The first story is about Edmonia Lewis.

"Say You're Sorry!"

“Say you’re sorry!” is a phrase I often hear parents say.  With good intentions, they are usually trying to teach their children some manners and remorse after they’ve done something to harm another person, either emotionally or physically.

Demanding apologies, however, can lead to a child muttering an insincere or even cavalier “sorry” and moving on to the next activity with little thought.

A concept and tool I have used with success, and shared with many others, is that of “amends.”  First of all, it’s important to realize that when a child does something harmful to someone else, be it a push, a mean comment, a smack, or taking their juice, it does not mean this child is a budding criminal.  Children’s social skills are often rough around the edges, and they need our guidance to smooth them out. This activity is best for children over age two who have some language skills.

• Reacting as calmly as possible is ideal.  Quickly go to the child who was hurt to make sure that child is ok.  Show sincere concern in a voice and manner that the offending child can see. 
• Ask what happened.
• After insuring the hurt child is alright, go to the child who did the hurting.
• Have them tell you what happened.
• Ask if the child was angry (or mad) when they did the hurting action.
• If so (which is usually the case), tell the child they need to do some thinking and tell you three things they can do in the future when they are angry (or mad) that don’t hurt anyone.  Tell him/her to let you know when he/she has the three ideas. For very young children (under age 5), you might have pictures they can point to of appropriate actions if they get stuck.  But let them give it a shot first.
• Go back and attend to the hurt child more with attention and moving them on to another activity.
• Once the second child has three acceptable ideas, tell him or her, “Great thinking!  I’m so glad you know what to do next time.”  Then say, “Now, you’ll need to make amends.  Amends is doing something to help _________ feel better because he got hurt.  What can you do?”  If he or she is stuck or only has “say sorry” in their toolbox, here are some things you can suggest that some children do:

• Bring a cool washcloth or band aid for the hurt child
• share or get the child's favorite toy for him/her
• fix something that was broken (with adult help)
• make a card
• draw a picture
• get a snack for that person

Once this has all taken place, and the amends have been made, it’s time to move on. Don’t hold the action over the child who did the hurting or over coddle the one who was hurt.

This way of dealing with conflict does several things.  It requires a child to think, which is a very important skill.  It also promotes emotional intelligence, by having them identify their feelings and understand that the feeling preceded the action.  It nurtures problem-solving, teaches empathy, and creates a win-win solution.  All of these skills are things most parents want for their children, and are skills that have been associated with successful relationships later in life. 

Next time you’re tempted to make a child apologize, consider whether this alternative might be helpful in the situation.

How to Handle Intense Feelings with Children

By Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Parent Coaching and Education

“I was so angry, I couldn’t think!”  When is the last time you heard—or uttered—this phrase?  While it may seem trivial on the surface, it’s actually an unhealthy message to give to our children.

Allowing anger, or any intense emotion, to be an excuse for not thinking, or for certain behavior, can inadvertently condone physical, emotional, or verbal violence.  In fact, when we are experiencing intense emotions, this is one time when we need to be doing some of our best thinking.  That’s the healthy message to give children, and we need to be good role models.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not saying “don’t be angry.”  Anger can be a very informative and useful emotion.  It can let us know when our boundaries or safety have been violated.  It can help us when we need to stick up for ourselves or others who have been treated poorly.  It can assist us in realizing that we need to be clearer about limits we want or need to set.    

The distinction I am drawing is between the feeling of anger and the thoughts and actions that go with it.  Yelling at or hitting someone because we are angry does not make it OK.  Here are some tools to help you and your child deal with intense feelings.

• Acknowledge the feeling.  If you see your child getting upset, notice. “You look angry” or “Wow, your face looks really sad right now” can go a long way toward helping children be aware of their feelings.  In addition, talking about it will engage a different part of the brain so they will be practicing thinking and feeling at the same time.  And don’t worry—if you guess wrong, chances are, they’ll straighten you out quickly.
• Determine intensity.  Most feelings have a range from mild to intense.  Together, draw a continuum of increasingly angry or sad or scared faces and label them.  Do this before the next outburst.  Then, together, do some detective work.  Is this annoyance or more like frustration?  Anger or rage?  Disappointment or sadness or grief?  Nervousness, anxiety, or fear? 
• Settle on safe ways to express these feelings.  With anger, do you or your child respond best by talking it out?  Exercising?  Ripping up old papers?  With fear, do you need reassurance verbally, with touch, or simply by not being alone?  For sadness, do you like space to be alone, comfort from another person holding you, or time to cuddle with a stuffed animal?  Thinking about and talking about these things ahead of time can help when the next intense feeling is felt.
• Do your own work.  Make sure you’ve done these steps yourself and can model for your child. Think out loud when it happens to you.  “Wow!  I am really frustrated that that person just cut us off!  I feel scared and angry because I thought we might get hurt.  I need some deep breaths to calm down.” 

If these strategies do not work for you or your child, consider whether there may be a more serious underlying issue preventing progress.  Seek professional help through the school counselor or a local mental health professional.

All feelings are OK; it’s what we do with them that matters.  Helping children to think and feel at the same time can go a long way to emotional health and navigating the complexities of growing up.

 

Who's In Charge?

by Amy Johnson, MSW

 

Parents often talk to me about being frustrated that their children “don’t listen” to them.  If this is happening to you, consider these tips:
•    Make sure your directions are simple and concrete.  Instead of “Do your chores now”, try “It’s time to set the table.”  With young children, you might want to make placemats with outlines of the objects needed, and set the objects in a pile on the table to help them get started.
•    Set a timer.  For instance, if it’s time to clean bedrooms, you can set a timer for 30 minutes, and tell your child you’ll come to inspect when the timer goes off.  Have a small reward if they’ve completed the task on time.
•    Speaking of cleaning rooms, be clear about what this means.  You may have more success if you divide the room into zones on a piece of paper and let your child know specifically what success is in each area.  Examples:  Bed:  bed made with nothing on top of it.  Floor:  toys off floor and put away in closet or toybox; clothes in hamper; floor is clear and ready to be vacuumed.
•    Watch your language:  make sure you aren’t asking when you mean to be giving a command.  This includes adding, “OK?” to the end of a sentence.  Instead of “Will you go clean your room please?”, try “It’s time to go clean your room” or “Go clean your room now” in a respectful tone of voice.  If you say, “Go clean your room, OK?” you’re giving away some of your power.  If that’s a habit and you accidentally add it, say, “Ooops.  What I meant was: go clean your room. Do you understand?”

Here’s a game to help establish parents or adults as leaders in the family.  It’s from a book called Taking “No” for an Answer and Other Skills Children Need by Laurie Simons.

Follow the Leader—a game to be played to establish the parents or adults as the leader in the family.

Set a timer for five minutes.  A parent is in charge.  This parent picks someone in the family to be the leader.  They may pick him or herself as the leader if they choose.  The chose leader is the leader for a game of Follow the Leader.  He or she engages in various positions, movements or facial expressions for others to copy.  After 10-20 seconds, the parent in charge interrupts the first leader and chooses someone else to be the leader.  This continues until the timer rings.

Taking charge in these simple ways can go a long way in helping children listen….and hear.

Tips for Talking to Teen Drivers About Cell Phones

By Amy Johnson, MSW
Personal Life and Parent Coach

Do you have a teen driver? Or are you a parent who succumbs to talking or texting on the road?  An article in the Federal Way Mirror emphasizes not only the dangers of doing so, but also the costly penalties in Washington State.  How does your state compare?

Here are some facts from the above article:

• Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for U.S. teens, according to the Centers for Disease Control.
• Cell phone talkers are a half-second slower to hit the brakes in emergencies, and miss more than half the visual cues spotted by attentive drivers.
• When drivers talk on a cell phone, they are as impaired as drunk drivers with a blood alcohol level of .08. 
• When drivers text, their collision risk is 23 times greater.
• Texting drivers look down at their devices for five seconds at a time. At highway speeds, that's more than a football field's distance. (http://www.fedwaymirror.com)
• Talking on a cell phone without a hands free device or texting while driving will cost you $124 in Washington State.  To date, both have been secondary offenses, requiring another violation prior to pulling a driver over.What are your state's laws?

Parents, here’s what you can do:

• Talk to your teen.  Set expectations about driving and phones, and stick to them.
• Set a good example.   Hang up or put down your phone while driving.  This is especially important to model for young children who are yet to become drivers, as well as those who already are.
• Consider installing a camera device that records teens’ risky driving behaviors, such as the one American Family Insurance offers.  Their program is so effective and saves so much money on claims that they offer it free of charge for one year to their customers who have teen drivers. 
• Invest in blue tooth technology in the vehicle your teen will drive, whether it is a personal blue tooth device (taking your teen to help pick it out will increase the chance she or he will actually use it) or a vehicle device, safety is worth it!
• Don’t call or text your child while you know they are driving!  Have an agreement that your child will only answer if they are pulled over and not driving.

Parents, you have more power than you may think.  By using your behavior to set a good example, setting strong expectations, and making it easier for your child to drive without talking or texting, you are saving lives.

For more help with teens, contact Amy Johnson at 253-874-2084.  Ask her about Rock Star Parenting—an individual coaching and teleclass package for parents and caregivers of teens!

The Test of Four

By Amy Johnson, MSW
Personal Life and Parent Coach


Here’s a tool that has helped countless parents look at that uncomfortable issue called Overindulgence. Ever wonder why so many young people these days act so entitled?  In How Much Is Enough? my friend and mentor, Jean Illsley Clarke, talks about three ways parents can overindulge their children:

1.    Giving them too much stuff (material overindulgence)
2.    Doing too much for them (relational overindulgence)
3.    Not setting enough limits or boundaries (structural overindulgence)

No parent I know starts out deciding they want to harm their child by overindulging them, but the research is clear that overindulged children are harmed.  Adults who were overindulged as children are more likely to be self-indulgent as adults, resulting in being overweight, feeling guilty, lower self-esteem, poor health, and loneliness.  (Clarke, et. al) Now, I can’t speak for anyone else, but those aren’t the goals I have for my children when they are adults!

Overindulgence, in one of its forms, occurs at some level at some time in almost every family system. The key here is to become aware of what we are doing, and to think more about why we are doing it and what is best for everyone in the long run.  Here is The Test of Four, a tool developed by Jean Clarke and her colleagues, to discern whether or not a particular action in your particular family with your particular child and under your particular circumstances is overindulging.  It’s not black and white—it requires some thinking on our part, and can be affected by age, temperament, ability level, illness, etc.  For instance, it’s not overindulging to tie a 2-year-old’s shoes.  But if you’re still doing it at 10, and you have a capable, typically developing child, you might want to re-think what’s best. 

The Test of Four:
Four common clues that overindulgence may be happening

1. Does the situation hinder the child from learning the tasks that support his or her development and learning at this stage?
2. Does the situation give a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more of the children? (Resources can include time, money, space, energy, attention, etc)
3. Does this situation exist to benefit the adult more than the child?
4. Does the child’s behavior potentially harm others, society or the planet in some way?

If any one of these four clues is clearly present, overindulgence is likely an issue.  Beware!  Only use this tool for yourself and your situation.  It’s dangerous to use it to try to determine what another parent is or isn’t doing.  You may not have all the information necessary to make the decision.  This tool is best used for you to think about your own behavior.

For more information about the Test of Four, overindulgence and developmental expectations, see How Much Is Enough?  by Jean Clarke, Connie Dawson, and David Bredehoft.  To schedule a workshop or class based on this material, or for a consultation about a specific situation, contact Amy Johnson. 

FREE SPECIAL REPORT:  10 Terrific Tips for a Successful Summer!  To receive, simply sign up for my FREE bimonthly enewsletter for parents! I never sell or give away your information, and you are able to unsubscribe at any time. 

Amy Johnson, MSW,is a Personal Parent Coach who is passionate about working with parents regarding balance, self-care and faith and sexuality. She is co-author of the book, Parenting by Strengths: A Parent's Guide to Challenging Situations.  Amy is also a member of the Best Parent Coaching Directory. Click here to contact Amy.

Rules that are Golden

By Amy Johnson, MSW
Personal Life and Parent Coach

What rules do you have in your home?  Here are some tips for developing effective rules:

• Keep them simple.  When children are young, try to have no more than one per year of age.  As they grow, you can add, but still aim for no more than 5-10 main rules.
• Post them.  For young children, use pictures.  For older children, use words they can understand. 
• Talk about them.  Frequently.  Consider picking a rule of the day and discuss it at dinner.  Talk about examples.  “When you say, ‘Shut up!’ to your sister, are you being respectful?”  “When you come home 15 minutes late without calling, what does that say about respect?”  “What are some ways we can all work on respecting each other this week?” 
• Notice when they are followed.  Pay as much or more attention to when family members DO follow the rules as when they don’t, or you may inadvertently reinforce not following them.  “Thank you for clearing your dishes.”  “I appreciate it that you come home on time or call if you’re going to be late.”  “Wow!  You did a great job putting stuff away today!”
• Decide which rules are negotiable, and which are not.  Non-negotiable rules usually have to do with safety, morals and ethics, health and legality.  Rules tend to be more negotiable around things like money, chores, manners, and convenience.  Both are important.  Negotiable rules help children learn how to think, and non-negotiable rules ensure safety and boundaries.  As your child grows and matures, the number of non-negotiable rules should decrease, and the negotiable rules increase.

 

Rules are important, and can be helpful and the source of many family struggles.  Use these tips to help you create clear rules that grow with your family.

FREE SPECIAL REPORT:  10 Terrific Tips for a Successful Summer!  To receive, simply sign up for my FREE bimonthly enewsletter for parents! I never sell or give away your information, and you are able to unsubscribe at any time. 

Amy Johnson, MSW,is a Personal Parent Coach who is passionate about working with parents regarding balance, self-care and faith and sexuality. She is co-author of the book, Parenting by Strengths: A Parent's Guide to Challenging Situations.  Amy is also a member of the  Best Parent Coaching Directory. Click here to contact Amy.

Summer Fun for Teens

By Amy Johnson, MSW
Personal Parent Coach


Sigh.  “I’m bored.” 

Does this happen at your house?  If so, consider the following resource for your tweens and teens this summer: http://parentingteens.about.com/od/summerfun/a/funsummeractivitiesteen.htm

This site includes 12-weeks of activities.  Each week’s page includes recipes, ideas and directions for learning to do something, a “Get out and Go” section for outdoor activities and exercise ideas, a craft project, and many links for other activities. You can peruse it ahead of time to make sure they are age and ability appropriate for your tweens.

Be proactive and take a few minutes to spend with your tween or teen to review the site and let them pick some activities they’d like to try out this week.  Gather or purchase materials, and be open to a mess or two along the way. 

Revisit the 5 Parts of a Job (below) to encourage them to clean up afterward.  Most of all, praise their effort as much as any results.  Summer is a great time for exploring, so encourage your teens to do so in healthy and fun ways.

The Five Parts of a Job
(Thanks to Jean Illsley Clarke for this Model)

1. What is the job? Be specific so you and your child know exactly what it is that needs to be done.  “Put the toys in the toy basket and your clothes in the hamper” is more specific and understandable than “Clean up your room.”
2. What skills are needed to do the job? Most people new to any job do best with on-the-job training.  Build this into your teaching and it will pay off!
3. Determine when the job needs to be done. Be clear and specific.  Right now?  Before dinner?  By Saturday?  Communicate clearly and check for understanding.  Agreement isn’t necessary, but understanding is helpful!
4. Finish the job. Sound familiar?  Make sure you have communicated clearly what it means to be finished.  Are there 3 steps?  5? With younger children, less steps are better.  You can increase them with age.
5. Put away the equipment you needed to do the job.  Does the vacuum need to go back in the closet?  Rags in the laundry?  Must dishes go in the cupboard, or is the drainer ok?  Communicate clearly and teach this step.

 

FREE SPECIAL REPORT:  10 Terrific Tips for a Successful Summer!  To receive, simply sign up for my FREE bimonthly enewsletter for parents! I never sell or give away your information, and you are able to unsubscribe at any time. 

Amy Johnson, MSW,is a Personal Parent Coach who is passionate about working with parents regarding balance, self-care and faith and sexuality. She is co-author of the book, Parenting by Strengths: A Parent's Guide to Challenging Situations.  Amy is also a member of the  Best Parent Coaching Directory. Click here to contact Amy.

Focusing on Strengths

By Amy Johnson, MSW

Personal Parent Coach

 

With all the demands on us as parents, it’s all to easy to get stuck in a cycle of looking at what our child hasn’t done, what rules he or she hasn’t followed, what we are behind on, and what our deficits are.  To parent by our strengths challenges us to think about what we do well and what we do well, and what our children do well.

Try this:  Think about your child. If you have more than one child, think about the one who is currently offering the most challenges.  Think of these challenges as opportunities to grow.  Now take a piece of paper, and write down five things you love and appreciate about this child.  Once you have done that, place this paper in a place where you will be able to see it every morning before you interact with you child, and every evening before you go to bed.  Spend a few minutes each morning and each evening thinking about these qualities in your child.Now make a list for yourself.  Write five things you appreciate about yourself as a parent.  Put this list near the list for your child.  Read it each morning and evening too.

Parents who have done this exercise have noticed dramatic changes in their interactions with their children.  See how it works for you.

Tip:  If you have more than one child, you can make a list for each child and post it on the fridge.   

FREE SPECIAL REPORT:  10 Terrific Tips for a Successful Summer!  To receive, simply sign up for my FREE bimonthly enewsletter for parents! I never sell or give away your information, and you are able to unsubscribe at any time. 

Amy Johnson, MSW,is a Personal Parent Coach who is passionate about working with parents regarding balance, self-care and faith and sexuality. She is co-author of the book, Parenting by Strengths: A Parent's Guide to Challenging Situations.  Amy is also a member of the  Best Parent Coaching Directory. Click here to contact Amy.

 

 

Parenting Solutions to Sleep Issues

If you have any sleep issues with your child, you’ll want to tune in to “Real Parents. Real Solutions” on Wed., Oct. 7 from 12-1 CT (1-2 ET, 11-12 MT, 10-11 PT) when I interview the author of “Sleepless is America: Is My Child Misbehaving or Missing Sleep?” Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, who also wrote “Raising Your Spirited Child” will be my guest and she’ll provide lots of practical tips for better sleep that will improve your child’s mood and reduce power struggles and tantrums.

Listen live or later at http://tinyurl.com/realparentsrealsolutions.