Parenting by Strengths

Ten Terrific Tips, cont.

by Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Training, Education, Coaching

Last time, I talked about the importance of sleep, staying positive, and screen time, among other things.  Remember, for more information on each of the tips, you can download the entire booklet for FREE from my blog

Tips, cont.

Tip #6:  Monitor your teens.  Don’t fall into the idea that because they can legally stay home alone they should be unsupervised all summer.  Check out the research in the booklet.

Tip #7:  What are we gonna do?  Boredom has its benefits.  Find out what they are here and avoid rescuing your child when you could help them develop needed skills.

Tip #8: Being Available.  Work on sitting down and being available when your child comes in the room.  Even if it’s for a few minutes, the rewards can be priceless.

Tip #9: Play together.  Find things you all enjoy doing as a family and invest in them.

Tip #10: But it went so fast…..Consider an end of summer scrap book activity with the whole family to hang on to favorite memories.

So that’s it!  Ten tips to help you make the most of the rest of the summer.  Enjoy!

Ten Terrific Tips

This will be a bit of a teaser article.  I’m going to give you the 10 tips, in a two-part article.  If you want more information and ideas, download the entire booklet for FREE from my blog.

Tip #1: What I Like About You.  Write what you like about your kids to get in a positive frame of mind.

Tip #2:  Review your summer safety tips.  It’s always good to go over safety about sun, water, being home alone, etc. depending on the age of your child. 

Tip #3: Childcare.  Make sure yours is competent, safe, trained, and if not adult, can reach an adult if needed.

Tip #4: Sleep:  Be aware that extra activities and vacations can disrupt sleep schedules.  So can time changes and when it gets dark.  For tips, check out the booklet.

Tip #5: Screen the screen time.  Make sure your kids aren’t spending the summer with the TV or computer/internet as their babysitter. 

 

Next time:  monitoring, boredom, playing together, and more.

 

Summer Down Time

by Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Training, Coaching, Education

I talked to a parent recently who told me it was a challenge for her and her husband to allow their teenager/young adult to lie around for a few days between the end of school and the beginning of his summer job.  While we both agreed that relaxing should include the cleaning of any dishes dirtied and clothes worn, our comfort levels around the allowing of “doing nothing” were different.

I have become a big fan of letting normally active children and teens “do nothing” every now and then.  Many children and teens today have packed schedules, some causing so much stress that youth lose sleep or get ill. 

I’m not saying we should let our youth sit around all summer and play video games, watch TV and surf the net.  However, if they are normally active and have activities or a job pending this summer, go ahead and allow some down time.  You still need parameters around safety—what is and isn’t allowed, what supervision is required (varies with age), when check-ins are required.  You can till have rules that need to be followed—leave the house in as good or better shape than it was when you awakened, etc.  But resist the urge to micro manage their time.

In yoga, we spend the last few minutes in chavasana, or corpse pose.  We lay quietly on our backs in total relaxation.  There is a purpose to every pose in yoga, and the purpose of chavasana is to take time to integrate the work one has done for one’s body during the previous 65-70 minutes of class.

I like to think of down time in the summer, on vacations, on the weekends, as a kind of chavasana—a time to integrate that which we’ve done the previous year, the previous week, etc  Rather than a luxury or an indulgence, it’s a necessary part of the process of living and growing.  And, like all things, it, too, must come to an end so we can move on to the next thing.

Allow your children, teens, and yourself some mental, physical and emotional chavasana this summer.  Relax, renew, and ready yourself for what lies ahead.

Seven "Spank-tacular" Alternatives

To Spank or Not To Spank
By Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Parent Coaching and Education

Parents often wish they had more tools in their toolboxes, especially when it comes to spanking.  Here are some tried and true tactics for helping kids learn to follow rules—you just need to decide which one is best for you in any given situation.

1.    Time Out:  The first thing to know about time-out is whether your child needs it or you do.  If it’s your child, read on.  If it’s you (you’re so fed up you’re likely to do something you’ll regret), see tip #6.  Time out is most effective when it’s used to interrupt a behavior and/or when the child is old enough to think about what he or she has done (ages two and up).  Use time out calmly, and tailor the length of time to the child’s age:  no more than one minute per year of age.  A five-year-old has a five-minute time out.  A ten-year-old, 10 minutes. 
2.    Time In:  Time In is a technique that seeks to prevent and to teach, using four methods: Ask, Act, Attend, and Amend.  (Thanks to Jean Clarke for this information).  Use “ask” to help a child remember the rule.  Ex:  “What is our rule about throwing things?”  “What is our rule about hurting others?”  Use “act” when you need to take action.  This might look like moving a child to a safe place to finish his temper tantrum.  Use “attend” when you know the child is in need of some attention that will help his or her behavior.  Perhaps you will notice when they are on-task or sharing.  Use “amend” when damage has been done to someone or something.  Attend to the hurt child first, and then engage the offender. Ex:  Calmly say, “Look at Jacob’s arm.  It’s red where the block hit him. You need to make amends.”  Depending on the age and ability of the child, he or she can decide (with your approval) what to do. If they are very young, you might say, “Go get the cold pack from the freezer so he can put it on his arm.”  With amends, you help the offender decide what to do to make things better, help him or her do it, and move on.  Be careful of demanding a verbal apology.  This can lead to insincerity and sometimes, frankly, isn’t enough.
3.    Privilege loss:  If the child has abused a privilege, such as throwing a toy, he or she can lose the privilege of playing with the toy away for a time period.  If he or she doesn’t turn off the TV or computer when you say to, you can take away that privilege for a time, as well.  With early childhood, use an hour or the afternoon.  For older elementary, try again the next day.
4.    Natural Consequence:  If it won’t cause harm, you can let the natural consequence take place.  A child who refuses to wear a coat might be cold during an outing.  A child who doesn’t do his homework might have a displeased teacher or get a poor mark in school. 
5.    Thinking Time:  This is a version of time out where you engage the child after they have had time to think and calm down.  Ask:
a.    What happened?
b.    Why do you think it happened? and
c.    What can you do differently so that it doesn’t happen again? 
It’s important to listen and to problem-solve if you use this technique.  For children under five, ask for two alternatives.  After age five, typically developing children can usually come up with three acceptable alternatives.
6.    Take a break:  If you’re the one who’s losing your cool, it might be time for you to up your self-care, take a break, and recharge.  Whether that means a long bubble bath by yourself, a night out with friends, or date night with your partner, find a way to make it happen.  Everyone will benefit.
7.    Learn about Development:  Many parenting struggles come from not knowing what to expect at each age.  Knowing what’s natural, what’s helpful for parents to do, and what you can say can go a long way to smoothing the ride.  For more information, check out these resources:  Growing Up Again, How Much Is Enough?, Is This a Phase? and Kids Can Cooperate.

For more information about any of these techniques, contact me for a free consultation to see if parent coaching is a fit for you!

“SMART” Goals for the New Year

By Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Parent Coaching and Education


‘Tis the season for New Year’s Resolutions!  As you think about yours, consider one of the ways to increase your success is to use the technique of creating “SMART” goals.

“SMART” goals meet the following criteria.  They are:

•    Specific.  It’s easier to meet a goal that is specific than vague.  You’re more likely to succeed with a goal to say at least five positive things to your child each day than to “be less angry.”  Questions to ask to set these goals include:
o    Who’s involved?
o    What do I want to accomplish?
o    Where will this take place?
o    When will I do it?
•    Measurable.  With the above example, you would be able to track whether or not you met your goal if you were counting for five things. It’s harder to measure “less angry.”  Questions to ask to test measurability are:
o    How much?
o    How many?
o    How will I know when I’ve reached my goal?
•    Attainable.  Make sure the goal you have is something that can be attained.  “Our family will be happier this year” is vague and may or may not be a goal you can reach.  If there is the death of a grandparent, someone loses their job or gets a bad grade, everyone might not be happy.  If your goal is, “I’m going to read at least two books on having a positive attitude, even when things aren’t going how I want them to,” chances are, you can attain that goal—and probably learn something too!
•    Realistic.  Make sure your goal is something you are willing to work toward and able to work toward.  Deciding you want more money to do fun things with your family is fine.  A more realistic goal is “I will look at my finances with my spouse and/or a professional this month and decide where we can take money from to start a “family fun” fund.”
•    Timely.  Everybody has “someday” goals—or wishes. Someday I’m going to be healthier.  Someday, I’m going to get a hold of my temper.  Timely means changing those to: “This month, I’m going to try three different ways to exercise.  By the end of the month, I will choose one I’m willing to do at least four times a week.”  And “I will research anger management classes and counselors in my community and decide which is best for me by the end of the month.”

Use these criteria to set your goals for the New Year and watch yourself grow!

Hectic Holidays: Lesson #3

Create More Joy, Less Chaos
Lesson #3

By Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Parent Coaching and Education


This is the third article in a series designed to bring you tips to create more joy and less stress this Holiday Season—whether you are celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, winter solstice or are just caught up in the flurry of everyone else’s holiday madness.

Last time, we reviewed that extra activities, demands, and obligations this time of year energize some people and stress others.  I encouraged you to consider the following if you are one who is stressed. These signs of stress overload from HelpGuide.org:
•    Constant worrying, or seeing only the negative
•    Inability to relax, feeling overwhelmed
•    Eating more or less
•    Isolating oneself
•    Using alcohol or other drugs to relax

One thing that helps many families is to take a little time each year to reflect on what to keep and what to change.  For some, this may seem sacrilegious:  change something?  About the holidays?  Blasphemy! If this is your philosophy, I urge you to read this story.

     The newly married daughter was preparing her first Christmas family dinner. As she was about to put the large ham in the oven to begin baking, her mother stopped her and said "You have to cut three inches off the ham before you bake it."
     Puzzled, the daughter asked her mother why?
     "Because that's the way my mother taught me to do it," said the mother.
     Still puzzled, the daughter went to find her grandmother.
     "Nana," she asked, "Mom says you have to cut 3 inches off of the ham before putting it in the oven to bake. Why?"
     "Well, that's how my mother taught me to do it, and it's the way I've always done it," replied the grandmother.
     Curious, the young bride went into the living room where the family was gathered around great grandmother.
     "Nona," she asked, "Grandma says you taught her to cut 3 inches off of the ham before putting it in the over. I'm puzzled. Why is that necessary?"
     "Well, dear, when I was a new bride, just starting out, I baked my first ham for Christmas dinner. The ham was 18 inches long. The largest roasting pan I had was 15 inches long, so I had to cut three inches off of the ham to make it fit the pan."

Sometimes, holiday traditions outgrow their usefulness.  One of the ways to know which ones still bring us joy and are important is to take time to re-assess.  In their book, “Unplug the Christmas Machine,” Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli discuss taking time to see what everyone still loves and treasures, and create your holiday around those traditions. 

In addition, they identify “the four things children really want for Christmas,” which are a relaxed and loving time with the family, realistic expectations about gifts, an evenly paced holiday season, and reliable family traditions.  The key is to make at least some of those traditions ones that bring you and your family joy. 

Though it may be too late to make huge changes this year, you still have time to make sure you create some joy for yourself this season, even if it is a cup of tea by the fire.  Then, as you work on New Year’s Resolutions, consider what went well, what could have gone better, and what you might want to keep and change about the holiday season moving forward.  Get your immediate family’s input, and make some goals for next season.

Next time:  “SMART” goals for the New Year

Hectic Holidays: Lesson 2

Create More Joy, Less Chaos
Lesson #2

By Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Parent Coaching and Education

 

This is the second article in a series designed to bring you tips to create more joy and less stress this Holiday Season—whether you are celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, winter solstice or are just caught up in the flurry of everyone else’s holiday madness.

Extra activities, demands, and obligations this time of year energize some people and stress others.  If you are one who is stressed consider these signs of stress overload from HelpGuide.org:
•    Constant worrying, or seeing only the negative
•    Inability to relax, feeling overwhelmed
•    Eating more or less
•    Isolating oneself
•    Using alcohol or other drugs to relax

While it may seem counter-productive to put one more thing on your to do list this week, taking a few minutes for this activity can help increase your sense of contentment, especially if you practice it regularly over time. 

Start today by keeping a gratitude journal—it can be a notebook or a pretty journal just for this purpose. 

Why would I tell you to do one more thing if you’re already overloaded?  Because research shows that training yourself to be grateful for what is currently in your life is one simple way to increase your happiness and satisfaction, and I want you to feel that instead of constant stress.
 
Here’s how you do it.  Upon wakening or before you go to bed (or even better—both, but hey, I’m realistic.  Just start with one or the other), write down 10 things for which you are grateful.  If you have trouble thinking of 10, start with five. If you are stuck, start with simple things like: “I am grateful for this bed in which I’ve slept.”  “I am grateful for the roof over my head.” “I am grateful there was hot water for the shower this morning.” “I am grateful for my children.”  Gradually, you might get to things like “I’m grateful I kept my temper with my son today.” “I’m grateful for my boss.”  “I’m grateful for the ability to spend time with family.”  Keep it up for at least 30 days and see what you notice. 

What’s the science behind why this works?  Our minds tend to notice more of what we focus on.  For instance, what type of car do you drive?  Many people report an increase in the number of vehicles they notice once they drive that vehicle.  I often say I had no idea how many silver vans there were in the world until I started driving one.  Now I see them everywhere. The same holds true with the gratitude journal.  If we spend a few minutes re-focusing our minds on those things for which we are grateful, we begin to see more of those things showing up in our lives.  They may have already been there; however, we notice them more, and consequently, feel more content.  And that’s something we can all use amongst the holiday bustle.

Next time:  priorities. 

—Amy Johnson, MSW, is a Coach, Educator, and Trainer in the Pacific Northwest.  She is co-author of the book, “Parenting by Strengths: A Parent’s Guide for Challenging Situations.”  Amy facilitates classes and workshops in the Puget Sound area and online.  She specializes in working with parents and also in sexuality education. 

Self-Care

by Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy

Parent Coaching and Education

When is the last time you were on an airline flight?  Do you recall what the flight attendant says when giving you instructions for what to do if the oxygen mask descends?  That’s right.  He or she says you should secure your own mask before helping anyone else who may require assistance.  Why?  Well, because, if you’re passed out due to lack of oxygen, you won’t be much help for yourself or anyone else, your child included.  You could both perish.

This is wisdom that can be translated into the idea of parenting in general.  Parenting is a 24/7/365 job, and demanding at that.  No paid vacations, no sick days.  You’re on-call all of the time.  It’s important to remember to take care of yourself.

Parents often resist this idea.  “I don’t have time for that!” they scoff.  “I have to take my child to lessons and tutoring and sports and the mall!”  They run themselves ragged working overtime to provide “good experiences” for their children, and as a reward, they end up cranky, guilt-ridden, and even sick.

If this even remotely describes you, it’s time to take stock.  Let’s start with logic.  Every day has 24 hours in it.  Everybody gets those same 24 hours.  No matter how much money you have, you cannot purchase more hours in a day.  What matters is how you choose to use them. 

Every week has seven days: seven days worth of 24 hours.  That’s 168 hours each week.  Now, take out your calendar and find two hours in the next week to block out for yourself.  Two hours out of 168 is all I’m suggesting at this point.  It just has to be something that fills you up and feels like it’s “you” time.

You can break it up anyway you like.  Maybe you’ll get up 15 minutes each day and meditate or take a walk (you’ll still need to find one additional 15-minute slot if you do this).  Maybe you’ll go out with friends every Wednesday for two hours.  Maybe you’ll read for 30 minutes each day while your child goes to preschool.  Or go to the gym four times a week on the way home from work.  Your choice.  Now, put it in your calendar in red ink.  Then schedule all the rest of the stuff around it.

Your children deserve parents and adults in their lives whose needs are met--who are not so burned out that they are short-tempered on a regular basis; who do not role model a stressed and overcommitted lifestyle.  Your children deserve a parent who knows how to take care of him or herself on a regular basis and in healthy ways.  Go get that calendar and get started.

Taming the Media Monster

By Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Parent Coaching and Education

 

Did you know that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends NO TV for children under age 2? (http://www.aap.org/sections/media/toddlerstv.htm)  For elementary age children, the recommendation is no more than two hours per day. http://singleparents.about.com/od/parenting/ss/limitscreentime.htm Here’s why these recommendations exist and how you can implement them in your house.

Why?

According to the Mayo Clinic, too much screen time in children has been linked to:

• obesity
• irregular sleep
• behavioral problems, and
• impaired academic performance

If you are struggling with any of these issues with your child, consider lowering how much time they are spending in time of a screen each day.  Don’t forget to count time they may be spending on video games, the computer, or television at home and at child care.  For more information on how TV affects your child, go here: http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/tv_affects_child.htm

How?

Here are some tips for keeping the screen time down in your house:

• Keep TVs and computers out of bedrooms.  Make sure they are in family areas that are easily observed and supervised.  This way, you can monitor not only how much your children are watching, but also what they are watching.
• Plan the usage.  Decide ahead what shows your child may watch, what sites they may visit, and when they can be on the computer.  Stay away from inappropriately violent or explicit content for young children in all three areas: computer, internet, and video games.  Some video game producers make violence look “fun” or “harmless.” But young children cannot always tell the difference and may inadvertently be learning that hitting doesn’t cause any harm. 
• Use the tools on your TV.  Utilize your parental controls to determine what access children have to which shows and channels on the television and which sites for the internet and computer.  Use the sleep feature on your television so that it turns off after 30 minutes.  Be creative.
• Don’t eat in front of the television.  This creates more mindless eating habits, and takes away from time you can be conversing as a family about your day.
• Set rules for school days. Make sure homework is done first, and non-media play time has a chance before television or the computer.  If your child needs to use the computer for an assignment, monitor their use.
• Suggest other activities.  Good old reading, playing outside, or trying your hand at a board game are all options.  Even if you get rolled eyes or huffy breaths, hang in there and give your child a chance to come up with something else to do.
• Be a good example.  Limit your own use of computer and television, especially when your child is around.  Make use of your time together to talk, play a game, prepare a snack or meal together, or just hang out.

Here are some resources for more ideas about curbing the media monster in your house!

• Limiting Screen Time
• Healthy Habits info from Kids Health
• How to Limit TV time
• How to Limit Video Game usage

Amy Johnson, MSW,is a Personal Parent Coach who is passionate about working with parents regarding balance, self-care and faith and sexuality. She is co-author of the book, Parenting by Strengths: A Parent's Guide to Challenging Situations.  Amy is also a member of the Best Parent Coaching Directory. Click here to contact Amy.

Tips for Taming Transitions

By Amy Johnson, MSW

Parent Coaching and Education

Ah, Autumn, time of transitions.  Summer is fading into autumn, school begins, schedules change, even the amount of daylight changes as the month marches on.

For some children and their parents, transitions are easy.  Changing routine comes more easily to them due to temperament and personality style.  For others, the battle begins.

Here are some tips to help you handle transitions if your September (or other transitioning times) are less than smooth. 

• Know your child’s temperament. According to the California Childcare Health Program, “Temperament is the natural, inherited style of behavior of each person. It is a combination of inborn traits and personal experience that shapes how we see and respond to the world around us. It is the ‘how’ of behavior, not the ‘why.’”  Temperament assessments, for instance, can help you understand if your child naturally adapts quickly to changes in routine, readily approaches new experiences, and generally has a positive mood, in which case getting ready for school may be a breeze.  On the other hand, if your child is more comfortable with what is familiar to her, so she is slower to adapt to new things and withdraws from new experiences, the transition may be more challenging. To learn about your child’s temperament, check out Ready for Life, a site with information and a quiz to get you started.  For more resources, you can go to my website and click on the recommended reading link.
• Remind your child of changes ahead.  Keeping changes “top of mind” can help some children.  Remind them in the morning that after school, it will be time for a snack and homework.  Making a visual schedule can also be helpful, especially as children get older and have more commitments, like soccer or scouts.  Seeing which day those occur and being reminded can help ease the tension.
• Give a warning before changing activities.  Many children, and even adults, need a little transition time between activities.  Giving young children a 2-minute warning and older children a 5-10 minute warning before dinner will be ready, before it’s time to get ready for bed, before it’s time to turn off media, etc, can help them mentally prepare.  They still may not be thrilled, but it can make things go a bit smoother.
• Establish predictable routines.  For many children, knowing that the order of the day is: school, day care or sports practice, homework, dinner, story time and bed can be helpful.  They know what comes next and that there is a place in their day for those things. 
• Take care of yourself.  Children deserve parents whose needs are met, so take a look at your schedule.  Is it over-crowded?  If so, what can go?  There is more to life than running from one activity to the next.  Make sure you and your child are getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, getting exercise, and have some down time in your week.

Use these tips to tame the transitions in your family this fall, and enjoy the harvest!

Amy Johnson, MSW,is a Personal Parent Coach who is passionate about working with parents regarding balance, self-care and faith and sexuality. She is co-author of the book, Parenting by Strengths: A Parent's Guide to Challenging Situations.  Amy is also a member of the Best Parent Coaching Directory. Click here to contact Amy.