Parenting by Strengths

SMART Goals

 

By Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy Training, Education, Coaching

 

 

Many of us area all about goals this time of year.  As parent, we vow to be more patient, have our kids eat healthier, get more exercise, and enjoy the time we have together more.

 

When creating goals, one system to keep in mind is the “SMART” system.  Using these tips will give you a much higher chance of success—whether the goal is yours, or for your child.

 

S is for specific.  If you want to be more patient, what does that look like to you, specifically?  Does it mean you want to yell less?  Allow more time for your children to complete things?  Be more encouraging?  Find at least one specific thing it means to you.  Then move on to the next step.

 

M is for measurable.  This is why you need a specific goal.  For the patience example, let’s say you want to allow more time for your children to complete things.  A measurable goal would be to add 10 extra minutes into your transition times in the morning and before bedtime.  So, you’d start the transition 10 minutes earlier, say with a 5-minute warning.  “In 5 minutes, we’ll need to get our shoes/pjs/etc on. Now is the time to finish up what you’re doing so you’re ready to change tasks in 5 minutes.”

 

A is for attainable.  It’s attainable to add 10 minutes into your schedule, but probably not to just let the kids come to their natural finishing point before transitioning.  Perhaps you want to make sure you say at least 5 encouraging things each day to your child, as opposed to “never being negative again!”

 

R is for realistic.  Never getting upset or angry is probably not realistic.  Deciding to breathe deeply before talking to your kids when you’re upset is.  That’s also something that is specific, measurable, and attainable.

 

T is for timely.  Give yourself a time frame.  “Be more patient” can be put off forever.  But saying “I will add 10 minutes to our transitions times for one week”  allows you to track what you’re doing.  Is it going well?  Are there adjustments you need to make, like adding in a 5-minute warning and breathing deeply?  Doing something for one week is easier and more attainable than trying to “be good forever.”

 

And that’s it!  Try this system and let me know how it goes for you.  Need help getting started?  Book a coaching package today, and we can set and track your SMART goals!

 

 

 

 

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Year End Review

 

By Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Training, Education, Coaching

 

As the year comes to a close, families can create some rituals that help strengthen them for the coming year.  Here are some ideas for you to try.

 

Create a family time capsule

 

•  Have everyone in your family answer the same set of questions, like:
  • Who is your hero?
  • Whom do you admire?
  • What is your favorite activity?
  • What is your favorite food?
  • What TV show do you like?
  • Who is your best friend?
  • What was the most fun thing you did this year?
  • What special family memories do you have?
  • Put everyone’s sheet with their questions and answers in a can you’ve decorated.  Keep it until next New Year’s Eve.  Make a tradition of opening the can and reading the questions and answers.  What stayed the same?  What was different?  Answer them again for the current year and save those for the next New Year’s Eve.

 

Family picture scrapbook

 

• With your family, go through pictures you’ve taken in 2012.  If they are on your computer, look at them there.  Have everyone choose a few of their favorites.  You can set a limit—like 5 or 10 per person. 
• Create a scrapbook of your year—either by printing them out, or by using an online program.  You might even decide to put them in a digital picture frame.

 

Celebrations

 

• Take turns talking about what you have celebrated this year. 
• Go deeper than birthdays (though those are legitimate celebrations) and holidays.  Talk about things people have learned, even if they were hard lessons.
• Celebrate your growth together as a family.
• For fun, toast each celebration with a sip of sparkling cider.

 

 

Taking a few minutes to review good times (and not so good times) helps create a sense of togetherness and perspective for children and adults in families.  Take time to strengthen your family this season.

 

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Teaching Children to be Generous Part 2

  By Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy Training, Education, Coaching

Last time, we were talking about Teaching Children to be Generous.  Along with setting boundaries about gift-giving and receiving, you may be wondering what else you can do on a regular basis to help young people understand about being generous. 

Here are some practical and doable ideas from Dr. Robin Silverman:

 Teach generosity all year long, especially during NON-holiday times.

• "Can Can:" Ask your children to go through the pantry at home and find any canned goods that haven't been used within the last 6 months. If they're not being eaten, give them to a family who can use them!

• "Grocery Grab:" Request that your children pick out one item each at the grocery store to contribute to the local food pantry.

•  Planned Percentages: Direct your children to set aside a certain percentage of their allowance, job money, or money that came through gifts for the purpose of giving to charity. Then help them choose a charity that is meaningful to them, allow them to research it, and motivate them to write the letter telling the charity how much and why they want to donate to them. (note from Amy: for more on how to teach your child about managing their money, see Nathan Dugan's site: Share Save Spend.)

• Characters with Character: Read books that illustrate the power of giving. Talk about the characters with your children and ask them how each character showed generosity of spirit. What did they admire?

For more ideas, read 22 Ways to Teach Generosity to Children here.

 Taking simple steps like these on a regular basis can help nurture the value of generosity in your children and your family.  Get started today!

 

 

 

Teaching Children to be Generous Part 1

 

 By Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy Training, Education, Coaching

 

This time of year, many of us are faced with the "gimmie-gimmies" and the "I want the whole world or at least the whole toy catalog" syndromes in our children.  

Wanting things, especially in our culture, where billions of dollars are spent annually marketing especially to children, is part of growing up. How we, as parents, handle this, is up to us.  

 Take a moment to think what kind of a person you want to help develop in your child.  If you, like many, want a generous person to emerge, there is some work to do.  It may not always be pretty or fun or easy, but it can be done.

It is important for children to realize there are limits to what they will be given, even during a holiday season as commercialized as Christmas is in our culture.  It's OK for them to want the world, and it's also OK for you to let them know that there is a limit to how much they will receive 

When they are younger, this may be a number of gifts.  As they get older, let them know you have a budget (if you don't have one, make one!), and that if they ask for something expensive, they will not be receiving as many other presents.  

I remember the year one of our sons was 12 and put this to the test.  He got the expensive item he wanted, but not much else. It was not the happiest Christmas morning for him.  (I found out later that the same scenario had played itself out down the street at a friend's home with her daughter).

However, we had discussed our values and clearly decided there was a limit to how much we were willing to spend on one day of the year. 

That day, to my spouse and I, is about so much more than pricey gifts--it is about family, and connection, and our faith. So we held our line, in order to teach these values with more than words, and had an upset kid. And yet, valuable lessons were learned.  This child is extremely thoughtful and creative as a gift-giver, generous with his time and talent, and aware of what is a "want" and what is a "need."  

How do you teach generosity in a world full of materialism?  Be sure to read the next article for some practical ideas you can use all year long.

 

 

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This morning, I was listening to the radio on my way to yoga.  The hosts were discussing gratitude and moved to a story about a hospice nurse, who was sharing her wisdom from over 25 years doing her work.  She mentioned that people often die the way they live.  Some people are grateful and peaceful, others are resentful and angry. You can read or listen to the story here:http://mynorthwest.com/11/2128561/Hospice-nurse-shares-list-of-five-things-you-must-say-before-you-die

What struck me, though, was her advice about five things we should say before we die.  They are:

1. Thank you
2. I love you
3. I’m sorry
4. Please forgive me
5. Goodbye

 

I was thinking about this in terms of parenting, and here are my thoughts.  First of all, in addition to being parents, each of us is also a child.  As that child, perhaps you are dealing with an aging parent.  Perhaps your parents are in great health, or perhaps, they are already gone.  If your parents are still with you, find a way this month to say thank you for what they have given you.  Find a way to say “I love you.”  Are there things you regret in your relationship that you have responsibility for?  If so, say “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me.”  If you do this, I can almost guarantee it will be easier for you to say goodbye when the time comes.

If your parents are already gone, you can do this as a journal exercise or as a prayer.  

Now, think about your children.  Are there things you would like to thank them for?  Don’t wait.  Thank them now, and thank them often.  Find ways to say “I love you.”  You may want to check out Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages (www.5lovelanguages.com) to figure out how your child likes to give and receive love. 

Have you blown it lately?  We all do from time to time.  Say “I’m sorry.”  I often have said, “I’m sorry I acted that way; however, I’m not sorry I was upset.”  Feelings are all ok, but we need to be responsible for our behavior.  Modeling this for our children is a priceless gift, as is asking for forgiveness.  

I hope you are not in a place where you know you are going to die soon, but if you are, or if that happens in the future, be sure to take some time to say goodbye.  We are not really great at this in our culture, yet it is so very important.  Giving someone the gift of goodbye allows them to say hello to the next step.

These practices, as part of our daily lives, can help us create open, healthy relationships with our parents and children, and help prepare us for the inevitable.  Everyone with a belly button has limited time on this earth.  Make it count.

 

The "Silver Van" Effect

by Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Training, Education, Coaching 

Brain research is fascinating and changing all the time.  Current research shows that our brains are growing, changing, and evolving throughout our lives—which brings me to something I like to call the "silver van effect.”

Currently, I drive a sliver van. I've had it for several years.  When we got it, I knew there were many silver vans in the world; however, after I began to drive one, I started to see them everywhere.  In fact, there were so many that I decided to put a distinguishing antenna ball on my car so I could find it in a parking lot where anywhere from one to several silver vans were parked near mine.

Now, were there all of the sudden more silver vans around?  No.  What happened was that my world view changed.  And my world view changed because my thoughts changed.  And my thoughts changed because I was driving a silver van.  

I was seeing this silver van each day when I got into it, so my brain became quickly programmed to notice other things similar to this.

The really amazing thing about this is that attention changes the brain--and it does so quickly--within seconds, in fact.  So, what we pay attention to, we will see more of in our surroundings.  And this changes our thoughts, which changes our world view.  Read more here.

Let's take this to parenting.  If you want a better relationship with your children, then start by focusing on what you love about them, what you admire about them, what you appreciate about them.  The best time to do this is first thing in the morning before interacting with them, and before you go to bed, so you are thinking about those things as you fall asleep.  

 In workshops, I give people a handout to make a list of 5 things they love about each child, so they can post it up somewhere they'll see it each day.

When you focus on these positives (I appreciate when she puts toys away. I appreciate that he is neat. I appreciate that she loves running. I appreciate his energy), your thoughts shift, and your brain helps you focus more on these things, so you will see them more.  If we focus on the negatives (Arrgh! She always leaves her shoes in the middle of the floor!), then that shifts our thoughts and focus, too, to see more of what's out of place than what is in place.

Of course, no one is perfectly positive all the time.  These thoughts--whether positive or negative--create patterns that literally and physically strengthen over time in our brains. The great news is that you can change the connections by repeating a new pattern.

So, what are you waiting for?  Make that list today of 5 things you love about your child.  Your partner.  Your self.  And give thanks for all of these qualities in your life.

 Research also shows that if you write down as few as five things each day for which you are grateful, and you do this for a few months, your sense of contentment with the world will increase.

 Go gratefully forward this month and let me know what happens! 

Internet Porn--don't freak! Watch this!

Common sense tips:  why you NEED to know about this, what to do, and where to go for more help.  Brought to you by Amy Johnson, MSW, and Melissa Lopez of Use Your Words.

Teens and Gender Roles

By Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy Training, Education, Coaching

 

Several years ago, I was teaching a class to junior high students, and the topic was gender roles.  I remember thinking, this will be so fun, because things will be so different for them than they were for me.

 

Not so.

 

Unfortunately, gender roles and stereotypes are alive and well in teen culture.  Girls are still often harassed by guys about their looks, dress, body parts, and more.  Guys feel pressure to be muscular and cool.  Girls feel pressure to be thin and sexy.  Guys still feel the pressure to initiate a relationship.  Girls fear that if they are too forward, guys will not like them.

 

As parents, we need to make sure we are addressing these issues head on.  Talk about them directly with your teen.  Talk about the stereotypes, what’s underneath them, and how to counter them.

 

Give your girls messages that they are strong, and your boys messages that they are sensitive.  Help them both learn how to communicate with each other.  Engage in stereotype-busting behavior yourself, and encourage them to do the same.  Require the boys to do dishes, and the girls to mow the lawn.  Have the boys clean the bathroom sometimes, and teach the girls how to change the oil in the car.

 

In middle and high school, stereotypes are strong, and peer pressure is great.  There is often less in college, but it can still be present.  Make sure your children have exposure to activities and attitudes that counter destructive stereotypes and help them become well-rounded young people in our world.

 

 

School-Age Gender Dilemmas

 

By Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy Training, Education, Coaching

August, 2012

 

School-aged children are exploring structure.  They are learning skills, rules, and how to interact with different people in different environments.

 

Many children move toward nurturing more same-gender relationships at this age.  As an extension of beginning gender exploration in their early years, they move on to elementary school, and some spend more time in activities with the same gender—such as boy scouts, girls scouts, gender-specific sports teams, etc.

 

While this is natural and healthy, it is also important for parents to remind children of the value of people who are different from themselves, gender included.  It’s important to counter stereotypes about boys and girls, and to limit any male or female-bashing in front of children.

 

Talking with children about these issues helps prevent bullying, and increases communication and teamwork between them.

 

Take time this summer to create healthy habits around all genders.  Talk about any jokes that put people down, and express why it’s important to think and speak respectfully about others.  You’ll be helping your child develop skills he or she will use for years to come.

 

If Mama Ain’t Happy…You Know The Rest!

by Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Training, Education, Coaching 

What mom isn’t looking for help to get her kids to toe-the-line, find time for herself and make her life go more smoothly? Wouldn’t it be great if moms had a place they could go to get a year’s worth of great advice and support for their endless and often thankless work in just one day?

That place exists and it’s called MamaCon - Inspiration and Tools for Modern Moms[www.mamacon.net]. MamaCon, May 18 and 19, 2012, at the Bellevue Hilton, is the brainchild of Seattle area moms and parent educators Amy Lang and Kim Estes. 

Amy and Kim decided the time has come for a conference solely devoted to the “business” of motherhood. Here’s a taste of some excellent tips and advice from several of MamaCon’s amazing speakers and experts. 

Dr. Shirin Shirkat, Create Happy Kids, [www.createhappykids.com], tells moms to “say it only once and be heard” by using this magical sentence, “First, _________ then, ____________.”  For example,  “First eat your dinner, then you can have ice cream.” Keep this short, clear and concrete if you want it to be powerful and effective.

Sara Eizen, Nest Seattle, [www.nestseattle.com], helps moms go from “clutter to calm.” One of her best tips is to take the hanging rod out of the coat closet and install hooks instead. No more hangers and plenty of room to get all those coats and jackets put away.

Margit Crane, Gifted With ADD, [www.giftedwithadd.com] says moms need to understand sometimes your child is going to be like a “hot house flower.” Your child may need extra reminding, love, attention, support, reminding again and excessive cajoling. Do what they need to thrive. She says this is usually a passing phase and kids end up able to function well without mom’s intensive help.

Too tired for sex? Amy Johnson, Diligent Joy, [www.diligentjoy.com]suggests having a regular date with your spouse or partner and having sex before you go out for dinner or to the movies. Also, exploring your own sexuality holistically can help you and your relationship.

Kathy Slattengren, Priceless Parenting, [www.pricelessparenting.com] suggests using “silent self-talk” as the first step to moving from anger to empathy. All those snarky, sarcastic and downright mean things you sometimes say to try to motivate your kids? Feel free to think them all you want. Saying them won’t do anyone any good and certainly won’t get your kid moving. Silent self-talk allows you to vent and then connect with your child.

Some of our topics:

Life Strategies:

Solving the Dinner Dilemma: Stress-Free Cooking For Busy Moms - Make Ahead Mamas (Claudia Pettis, Deb Kapsner, and Maia Kelly)

Envy the Energizer Bunny? Sleep for the Exhausted Mama - Catherine Darley, ND

Vodka: It’s Not Just for Drinking  Jim Allen

Getting Your Groove Back: Sex for the Exhausted Mama - Amy Johnson

From Clutter to Calm - Sara Eizen

Motherhood, Money and Mayhem - Debbie Whitlock

The Momarchy: Take Your Life Back From Your Kids - Angela Toussaint

 

Parenting Strategies:

Raising Resilient Kids- Avoiding Praise Junkies! - Sarina Behar Natkin

Turn It Off!  Tips and Tools for Parenting in the Age of Technology - Ann Hungar Steel

Chores Without Challenge - Patricia Nan Anderson

Turning Anger to Empathy: Responding to Misbehavior with Empathy - Kathy Slattengren

Creating Grateful Kids - Shirin Shirkat

That Would Never Happen to MY Daughter! - Kelly Marquet

Picky Eating: It’s Not Your Fault! - Matthew Amster-Burton

With over 50 parenting and life speakers and experts, including Rosalind Wiseman, New York Times best selling author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, free mini-spa treatments, wine tasting, a comedy show and Seattle Mom Prom [www.seattlemomprom.com] local moms will get just what they need to be happier, savvier mamas.

If mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy and MamaCon [www.mamacon.net] is all about creating happy moms!

 

Bellevue Hilton

300 112th Avenue SE

Bellevue, Washington   98004

 

Marketplace Preview and Kick-Off Cocktail Party!

Friday, May 18, 2012 - 3PM to 9PM

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC!

 

MamaCon - Inspiration and Tools for Modern Moms

Saturday, May 19, 2012 - 8AM (registration) to 12PM

 

Tickets! Use Code MCNSPEC  for $20 off.

 

www.MamaCon.net

info@MamaCon.net

425-522-2417