Parenting by Strengths

Let's Talk--about parenting teens who may be sexually active

Can you make a difference?

How can you help your child make good decisions about his or her relationships?

How can you help them understand what impact their current behavior may have on their future?

For information on these questions and more, click here.

 

 

 

Let's Talk--about delaying sexual activity

Need help talking to teens about how and why to delay sexual activity?

Helping Teens Delay Having Sex

 

Let's Talk!

It's Let's Talk Month, as in "Let's Talk about Sexuality"--all you parents!  Here's a cute video with what NOT to say, what TO say, and how to answer those embarrassing and unexpected questions:

 

Bullying and Bystanders

October is National Bullying Prevention Month, and there are a lot of materials, programs, and events happening to stop bullying. 

One area that I'd like to call attention to in many bullying situations is the bystander.  Bystanders' actions make a significant difference in the outcome of a bullying situation.

More than one-half the time, bullying stops within 10 seconds of a bystander stepping in to help.(Craig, W. M. & Pepler, D. (1997). Observations of bullying and victimization in the school yard. Canadian Journal of School Psychology, 13(2): 41–60.)

Stepping in isn't always safe or practical, and it's not the only way to help.  Another way bystanders can be useful is to get help--either by gathering peers for support, or reporting the bullying to an adult who will intervene.

Things that do not help are:

• Instigating by teasing or prodding a bully to do something.
• Encouraging the bully by laughing, cheering, or teasing the bully to continue.
• Joining in on the bullying.
• Passively accepting by watching and doing nothing.

Of these, passively accepting is the most common, and contributes to the problem by providing and audience and not doing anything to stop the harmful behavior. http://www.eyesonbullying.org/bystander.html

Talk to your child about how to be a helpful bystander.  Sometimes, a comment will do the trick--reminding someone of the class or school rule, or inviting them to come sit by you.  Other times, that isn't safe for the bystander, and he or she should go get a trusted adult to help. 

Ask your child to think about a time when he or she saw something happening that was hurtful to someone else, either physically or emotionally.  What did s/he do?  Is there something else s/he wished s/he would have done?  Is the situation still going on? If so, what should s/he do now? 

If you are concerned for your or another child's safety, call the school to discuss the situation with the teacher, counselor, or principal.  Though they often will not be able to tell you about specific disciplinary actions taken against another student, they can share general information about policies and procedures, and you can share information that you have to help them keep a watchful eye out and keep our children safe.

Sometimes, this takes courage.  Talk to your child about this, too.  According to the Virtues Project,  "Courage is bravery in the face of fear.  You do the right thing even when it is hard or scary.  When you are courageous, you don't give up. You try new things.  You admit mistakes.  Courage is the strength in your heart."

Be courageous and teach your child to be, too.  There are lots of ways to help stop bullying.  Being a helpful bystander is one.

Advocating for your child

by Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy Training Education Coaching

If your child has special needs, and is part of the special education system, then you are probably familiar with meeting with school team members at least yearly to review your child’s progress and create new goals. Advocate for your child as much as possible. Be sure to share new information from home, the pediatrician, or other professionals working with your child in order to give the educators as complete a picture as possible.

If you need help, consider contacting a parent advocacy agency, such as PAVE (in Washington State—www.wapave.org) Many states have advocacy organizations for parents of children with different disabilities. Some will even attend school meetings with you to make sure your child is getting all the services to which he or she is entitled.

Most of all, trust your intuition. If you believe your child is having trouble learning, continue talking to professionals in order to find out what might be the culprit. Here are some people to consider consulting:

• Your child’s teacher
• Your pediatrician
• The School Counselor or School Social Worker
• The School Nurse
• Other adults who spend time with your child (scoutmaster, dance
instructor, etc)
• Parent advocacy agencies

You know your child, and if something is off, keep looking until you get the
answers you need.

So there you have them: 8 Great Guidelines for a Splendid School Year.
Here’s wishing you a spectacular September!

Volunteering at school

by Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy Training Education Coaching

Parent involvement in school is one of the key factors in your child’s success. Whether you are able to volunteer in the classroom, chaperone field trips, or offer to make calls or do projects on your own time, get in touch with your child’s teacher and offer to help.

In addition, if at all possible, visit the school and your child’s teacher prior to the first day. This is especially important if it is a new school—either because you’ve moved or been moved, or because your child is transitioning to a new level, such to elementary school from preschool, or to middle school or high school. Simply seeing the school, walking around, and talking to a few friendly people can make a big difference in your child’s transition.

If you are able to meet with the teacher, be as supportive as possible, and also advocate for your child, with some statements like, “I’m sure you will figure this out anyway, but I wanted to let you know my child seems to learn best when she can both see and hear instructions” or “One thing his teacher last year found really worked well with him was to make sure he had a warning before transitioning to a new activity.”

Avoid being negative, demanding, or hovering too much. Remember that the teacher has his or her hands full with a classroom of students, regulations, and other activities.

Join your parent teacher association and attend the meetings. Get involved in any way you can to help make your child’s school a great place for all children.

And finally: Advocating for your child

The Daily Debrief

by Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy Training Education Coaching

Daily Debrief

Take some time each day to debrief with your child about his or her day. Avoid saying, “So, how was your day?” if you routinely get a one word answer, like “Good” or “OK.”

Instead, try some open ended questions like these:

•  What was the best thing that happened to you today?
•  What was the worse thing that happened to you today?
•  What was the funniest thing that happened to you today?
•  Who did you sit by at lunch?
•  With whom did you play at recess? What did you do?
•  Which subject was the most interesting today? What interested you about it?
•  What is one way in which you were kind to someone today?
•  What’s one really great choice you made today?
•  How were you helpful/respectful/honest/hardworking today?
•  What’s one thing you did really well?
•  What’s one thing you wish you would have done differently?
•  How could you do that differently in the future?

Be willing to answer the question yourself, too, if your child asks. You can also check into some games that are available for conversation starters. Use them in the car or at the dinner table. Give everyone a chance to participate, and watch your connections with each other grow.

Next: Visiting your child's school

 

Does your child have too much to do?

by Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy Training, Education, Coaching

Today’s children are often overscheduled, creating stress for both parents and students. It’s important for parents to discern which activities they are signing up their children for and why. With older children and teens, allowing choice is great, but helping them to understand what is a reasonable amount to take on is equally important.

With young children, remember that their work is play. Directing it too much can impinge on their creativity. Some cities are even moving to more creative playground options, where the children actually build the play structure themselves with a kit of foam blocks and other materials (see: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2007398,00.html). Providing opportunities for this type of play encourages problem-solving, cooperation,
assertiveness, and creativity.

Older children and teens need down time, too. Boredom for them is often a precursor to coming up with a creative idea. Too much down time and too much boredom can lead to poor choices and poor use of impulsivity, but allowing some unstructured time for most children and teens is not a bad thing.

Important questions for parents to ask are:

• Does this activity support the values we adhere to in our family?
• Are there opportunities for growth, skills, and friendships that will benefit my child?
• Do I want my child to do this because he or she would enjoy it or grow from it, or because I am trying to look like a “great parent”? Is it truly for my child or is it for my need to look good?
• Does my child have the time and energy to do this activity well and participate to the level expected? Do I?
•  Am I trying to do the same thing for each child, when they may have
  different temperaments and needs?
• What is the worse thing that could happen if we choose not to continue
  this activity? What’s the best thing that could happen?

If you are unsure whether your child is involved in too many activities, check out
these warning signs from scholastic.com:

• • Does he act grouchy, mopey, or irritable?
  • Can she fall asleep at bedtime?
  • Are his grades slipping? Does he finish his homework?
  • Has she started overeating?
  •  Does he zone out in front of the TV?
  •  Is she complaining of stomachaches, headaches, or mysterious illnesses?
  •  Does he grumble about being bored?
  •  Is she over-anxious about getting approval from authority figures?
  •  When you're heading out the door, does he throw a tantrum or "lose"
                equipment?
  •  Does she pick fights with her siblings or complain you don't love her as much?
  •  Can he keep track of where he's supposed to be?
  •  Is her schedule draining you or your family members?

If your child exhibits a few or more of these on a regular basis, it may be time to consider cutting back.

Next: Daily Debrief

Establishing Routines

by Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy Training, Education, Coaching

Establishing a few routines can seem like a lot of upfront work. However, if you stick with it and keep them fairly simple, routines can make transitions around the house run much smoother during hectic mornings and afternoons.

First, do as much as you possibly can the night before. Help your child get in the habit of choosing what he or she will wear the night before, and laying it out. Have your child bathe or shower at night, and gather everything he or she needs for the next day before going to bed. Designate a spot for things that need to go to school, and get it all there the night before. If your child brings lunch, prepare as much of that as possible the night before, too.

Also designate a spot for where stuff goes when it comes into your home in the afternoon. Do you have a place for backpacks? Help your child learn to clean out his or her lunchbox and put it where it’s ready to be refilled. Create a place for papers that need to be looked at or signed by you.

Create a homework station, away from distractions and stocked with things your child might need: pens and pencils, erasers, a calculator, hole punch, extra paper, etc. If you want, this can be a mobile supply caddy that can go different places. However, having a spot where your child does his or her homework everyday can help them focus more.

And finally, designate a time that is for homework every day. This may vary depending on sport or club schedules; however, it is important students learn to allot time for their homework, away from cell phones and other distractions. Again, this is a great life skill!

Next: Overscheduling

Rules and Respect

by Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy Training, Education, Coaching

One of the many things students learn when they go to school is that rules can be different in different places. The rules in their classroom may differ from ones they must adhere to at home. The rules in the cafeteria may be different from the school playground, and the rules in the gym will certainly be different from those in the library.

This is an important skill for children to learn. While general rules, like respect and nonviolence can transcend location, other rules vary. Children need to learn to respect and follow the rules in the place where they are, whether it is at home, at school, at a friend’s home, at church, at a sporting event or another extracurricular club.

If your child is having difficulty in this area, talk to him or her. Ask which rules are different in some of the areas mentioned above. Ask them if they are harder or easier to follow in one place than another. Find out if he or she is uncomfortable with a certain rule, and explore why that may be. You can also play a game where you ask your child what rules he or she would make if she or he were king or queen. Then follow their logic. “What might happen if everyone to the people who want to read if everyone could dance and sing in the library?” “How would the children learn if the teacher couldn’t talk?”

Especially during the elementary years, learning about different rules and when and how to disagree is part of the child’s developmental job. You can help them learn respectful ways to follow and challenge rules. By doing so, you will give them a skill they can use well into adulthood.

Next: Establishing Routines