Parenting by Strengths

The Developmental Stages of Racial Identity

 By Janice Van Buren, Ph.D.

 A  study in which(1) children's comments about race  were recorded by  pre-school, day-care and elementary workers and (2) interviews with parents of children three to twelve years old demonstrates children's  progress through stages of race awareness that parallel their cognitive development.

Infants and Toddlers

• Learn "what is me" and "what is not me."
• Sensitive to the feelings of the adults around them.
• Begin to mimic adult behavior.
• Recognize and explore physical differences at 2 years.
• Learn  names of colors, and  begin to apply names to skin color.
• Express curiosity about differences.

 3 to 5 year olds

•  Notice differences among people.
• Can classify and sort objects based on color and size.
• Have problems grouping  multiple objects.
• Confused about the names of racial groups.
• Confused about the actual color of their skin.
• Question why two people with different skin tones can belong to the   same racial group.
• Express interest in wanting to know how people got their color, hair texture, and eye shape.
• Believe skin color and other physical traits can change like other parts of their body that grow and change.
• Begin to prefer one race by age four.
• have limited, distorted, and inconsistent thinking which makes them susceptible to stereotypes and forming pre-prejudices.

Bedtime Fears

by Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Training, Coaching, Education

“My child has developed a new fear of going to sleep,” parents of young children often tell me. “Is this normal?” The short answer is, yes.

Developmentally, children between the ages of about three and about six are learning about power and identity, and also learning the difference between pretend and real. This is often the stage where much dress-up play occurs, along with rich imaginations and inventions of stories about superheroes, princesses, “good” and “bad” guys, and more.

The purpose of this play is to help them understand the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, male and female. Often, they do this in an exaggerated and very polarized way, not seeing the gray areas and nuances that adults do.

In addition, distinguishing between what is imaginary and what reality is not a “flip the switch” kind of event—it’s a gradual process to discern what’s real and what’s not. Monsters, bad guys, and other scary things can seem very real to young children—or at least they can be uncertain about what’s real, especially at the vulnerable time of day right before sleep. Here are some tips to help if this is a concern for you or someone you know:

DO:

• Establish or re-establish a calming bedtime routing that is predictable each night.

• Read calm, uplifting stories before bed.

• Consider some favorite calm music for your child to listen to while going to sleep.

• Allow your child a security object, like a blanket or stuffed animal.

• Reassure your child you will comfort him or her if she wakes up afraid.

DON’T:

• Allow your child to view scary movies, television shows, books or images, especially within two hours of bedtime. Most Disney movies are actually geared toward kids 10 and up, and many have scary characters. Even if they don’t appear scared while watching, the concerns may surface at bedtime.

• Underestimate the reality of their fear about things that aren’t real. The object may not be real, but your child’s fear is. You might say something like, “Even though you know monsters aren’t real, you’re still scared.”

• Insist on a dark room with a closed door. Consider a night light and leaving the door open at least a crack.

Some parents find it helpful to make up a story with their child’s help about the child defeating whatever it is they are afraid of, by growing tall, or shrinking the monster with a wand, or some variation.

With a little imagination on your part, you’ll help your child manage his or her fears in no time.

Seven "Spank-tacular" Alternatives

To Spank or Not To Spank
By Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Parent Coaching and Education

Parents often wish they had more tools in their toolboxes, especially when it comes to spanking.  Here are some tried and true tactics for helping kids learn to follow rules—you just need to decide which one is best for you in any given situation.

1.    Time Out:  The first thing to know about time-out is whether your child needs it or you do.  If it’s your child, read on.  If it’s you (you’re so fed up you’re likely to do something you’ll regret), see tip #6.  Time out is most effective when it’s used to interrupt a behavior and/or when the child is old enough to think about what he or she has done (ages two and up).  Use time out calmly, and tailor the length of time to the child’s age:  no more than one minute per year of age.  A five-year-old has a five-minute time out.  A ten-year-old, 10 minutes. 
2.    Time In:  Time In is a technique that seeks to prevent and to teach, using four methods: Ask, Act, Attend, and Amend.  (Thanks to Jean Clarke for this information).  Use “ask” to help a child remember the rule.  Ex:  “What is our rule about throwing things?”  “What is our rule about hurting others?”  Use “act” when you need to take action.  This might look like moving a child to a safe place to finish his temper tantrum.  Use “attend” when you know the child is in need of some attention that will help his or her behavior.  Perhaps you will notice when they are on-task or sharing.  Use “amend” when damage has been done to someone or something.  Attend to the hurt child first, and then engage the offender. Ex:  Calmly say, “Look at Jacob’s arm.  It’s red where the block hit him. You need to make amends.”  Depending on the age and ability of the child, he or she can decide (with your approval) what to do. If they are very young, you might say, “Go get the cold pack from the freezer so he can put it on his arm.”  With amends, you help the offender decide what to do to make things better, help him or her do it, and move on.  Be careful of demanding a verbal apology.  This can lead to insincerity and sometimes, frankly, isn’t enough.
3.    Privilege loss:  If the child has abused a privilege, such as throwing a toy, he or she can lose the privilege of playing with the toy away for a time period.  If he or she doesn’t turn off the TV or computer when you say to, you can take away that privilege for a time, as well.  With early childhood, use an hour or the afternoon.  For older elementary, try again the next day.
4.    Natural Consequence:  If it won’t cause harm, you can let the natural consequence take place.  A child who refuses to wear a coat might be cold during an outing.  A child who doesn’t do his homework might have a displeased teacher or get a poor mark in school. 
5.    Thinking Time:  This is a version of time out where you engage the child after they have had time to think and calm down.  Ask:
a.    What happened?
b.    Why do you think it happened? and
c.    What can you do differently so that it doesn’t happen again? 
It’s important to listen and to problem-solve if you use this technique.  For children under five, ask for two alternatives.  After age five, typically developing children can usually come up with three acceptable alternatives.
6.    Take a break:  If you’re the one who’s losing your cool, it might be time for you to up your self-care, take a break, and recharge.  Whether that means a long bubble bath by yourself, a night out with friends, or date night with your partner, find a way to make it happen.  Everyone will benefit.
7.    Learn about Development:  Many parenting struggles come from not knowing what to expect at each age.  Knowing what’s natural, what’s helpful for parents to do, and what you can say can go a long way to smoothing the ride.  For more information, check out these resources:  Growing Up Again, How Much Is Enough?, Is This a Phase? and Kids Can Cooperate.

For more information about any of these techniques, contact me for a free consultation to see if parent coaching is a fit for you!

Take on Bullies-- Ready- Set- Go!

by Mary Ivory 

The news of increasing bully behaviors has my stomach in a flip-flop. The ultimate sad ending is a teen suicide. We have to help our kids handle conflict now. That means we need to know and use every resource.

Intimidation, power and control are the more sophisticated words that describe bully behavior but be certain, it affects young people in more long lasting ways than the days of problems on the playground. As bully goes high tech with the rest of our world, the highway of information can become the super highway of kid abuse. Most adults I speak with readily recall the intensity of young adolescent and adolescent peer pressure. We understand the origins of teen aggression today a bit more as science teaches us more about how the brian is developing rapidly and hormores are surging in young people. The good news is that it is the power of the relationship with caring adults- teachers, administrators and parents that will turn this issue in to a non issue.

Today's post is a list of resources at your fingertips---

Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan conducted  a survey of more than 4000 of Illinois children and youth. This office is aware that the age of technology will require new law to protect and educate youth and parents. Click here  for the web connection on ebully411 to find the most current resources about how to help youth, wherever you are!

Bullies need to be sneaky to be effective. They know there behavior is shameful and it can only exist in an atmosphere of namelessness and hiding. A suburban Chicago detective Richard Wistocki, speaks about how there is no place to hide on the Internet. He has taken his knowledge to a resource for parents and schools, check out BeSure Consulting.

I will write more about the importance of relationship building with teens in future posts. For now here is one more link about school safety.

As always, let me know what you think.I want to write to what you need to know!

 

 

  

Who's In Charge?

by Amy Johnson, MSW

 

Parents often talk to me about being frustrated that their children “don’t listen” to them.  If this is happening to you, consider these tips:
•    Make sure your directions are simple and concrete.  Instead of “Do your chores now”, try “It’s time to set the table.”  With young children, you might want to make placemats with outlines of the objects needed, and set the objects in a pile on the table to help them get started.
•    Set a timer.  For instance, if it’s time to clean bedrooms, you can set a timer for 30 minutes, and tell your child you’ll come to inspect when the timer goes off.  Have a small reward if they’ve completed the task on time.
•    Speaking of cleaning rooms, be clear about what this means.  You may have more success if you divide the room into zones on a piece of paper and let your child know specifically what success is in each area.  Examples:  Bed:  bed made with nothing on top of it.  Floor:  toys off floor and put away in closet or toybox; clothes in hamper; floor is clear and ready to be vacuumed.
•    Watch your language:  make sure you aren’t asking when you mean to be giving a command.  This includes adding, “OK?” to the end of a sentence.  Instead of “Will you go clean your room please?”, try “It’s time to go clean your room” or “Go clean your room now” in a respectful tone of voice.  If you say, “Go clean your room, OK?” you’re giving away some of your power.  If that’s a habit and you accidentally add it, say, “Ooops.  What I meant was: go clean your room. Do you understand?”

Here’s a game to help establish parents or adults as leaders in the family.  It’s from a book called Taking “No” for an Answer and Other Skills Children Need by Laurie Simons.

Follow the Leader—a game to be played to establish the parents or adults as the leader in the family.

Set a timer for five minutes.  A parent is in charge.  This parent picks someone in the family to be the leader.  They may pick him or herself as the leader if they choose.  The chose leader is the leader for a game of Follow the Leader.  He or she engages in various positions, movements or facial expressions for others to copy.  After 10-20 seconds, the parent in charge interrupts the first leader and chooses someone else to be the leader.  This continues until the timer rings.

Taking charge in these simple ways can go a long way in helping children listen….and hear.

Taming the Media Monster

By Amy Johnson, MSW
Diligent Joy Parent Coaching and Education

 

Did you know that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends NO TV for children under age 2? (http://www.aap.org/sections/media/toddlerstv.htm)  For elementary age children, the recommendation is no more than two hours per day. http://singleparents.about.com/od/parenting/ss/limitscreentime.htm Here’s why these recommendations exist and how you can implement them in your house.

Why?

According to the Mayo Clinic, too much screen time in children has been linked to:

• obesity
• irregular sleep
• behavioral problems, and
• impaired academic performance

If you are struggling with any of these issues with your child, consider lowering how much time they are spending in time of a screen each day.  Don’t forget to count time they may be spending on video games, the computer, or television at home and at child care.  For more information on how TV affects your child, go here: http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/tv_affects_child.htm

How?

Here are some tips for keeping the screen time down in your house:

• Keep TVs and computers out of bedrooms.  Make sure they are in family areas that are easily observed and supervised.  This way, you can monitor not only how much your children are watching, but also what they are watching.
• Plan the usage.  Decide ahead what shows your child may watch, what sites they may visit, and when they can be on the computer.  Stay away from inappropriately violent or explicit content for young children in all three areas: computer, internet, and video games.  Some video game producers make violence look “fun” or “harmless.” But young children cannot always tell the difference and may inadvertently be learning that hitting doesn’t cause any harm. 
• Use the tools on your TV.  Utilize your parental controls to determine what access children have to which shows and channels on the television and which sites for the internet and computer.  Use the sleep feature on your television so that it turns off after 30 minutes.  Be creative.
• Don’t eat in front of the television.  This creates more mindless eating habits, and takes away from time you can be conversing as a family about your day.
• Set rules for school days. Make sure homework is done first, and non-media play time has a chance before television or the computer.  If your child needs to use the computer for an assignment, monitor their use.
• Suggest other activities.  Good old reading, playing outside, or trying your hand at a board game are all options.  Even if you get rolled eyes or huffy breaths, hang in there and give your child a chance to come up with something else to do.
• Be a good example.  Limit your own use of computer and television, especially when your child is around.  Make use of your time together to talk, play a game, prepare a snack or meal together, or just hang out.

Here are some resources for more ideas about curbing the media monster in your house!

• Limiting Screen Time
• Healthy Habits info from Kids Health
• How to Limit TV time
• How to Limit Video Game usage

Amy Johnson, MSW,is a Personal Parent Coach who is passionate about working with parents regarding balance, self-care and faith and sexuality. She is co-author of the book, Parenting by Strengths: A Parent's Guide to Challenging Situations.  Amy is also a member of the Best Parent Coaching Directory. Click here to contact Amy.

Rules Rule! And other helpful hints about 6-12 year olds….

by Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy Parent Coaching and Education

 

It's back to school time, and the developmental stage that spans 6-12 years old encompasses most children in elementary school.  One of the developmental jobs at this age it to learn about the rules that help us live with others. Parents, you can help by deciding what is nonnegotiable and what is negotiable in your house, and talking about what is nonnegotiable and negotiable in other places your child frequents, such as school, church, sports, clubs, grandma's house, etc.

Nonnegotiable rules are rules you have about safety, morals, health, etc.  Negotiable rules are about other things like money, free time, activities, etc.  Rules that are nonnegotiable help children learn limits.  Rules that are negotiable help them learn about thinking and problem-solving.  Both are important life skills.  As your child grows older and more competent and mature, the number of nonnegotiable rules you have is likely to decrease, while the negotiable ones increase. 

When helping your child learn about rules, here are some tips* for working with children in this age range:

• Teach the reasons behind the rules.

• Provide and follow through with three basic rules that all other rules fall under:

With your body and your words:

1. Respect yourself (Don't hurt yourself)
2. Respect others (Don't hurt others.)
3. Respect property (Don't hurt property.)

• Teach and consistently reinforce rules that are specific to the functioning of the family in which the child lives.
• Provide opportunities to practice the skills involved in a variety of family household chores.
• Offer opportunities to learn that there are different rules outside the family and the child is responsible for respectfully following those rules.
• Assure that the child is appropriately discomforted when a rule is broken.
• Monitor media and all screen time exposure (more on this in the next issue!).
• Teach child how to recognize and what to do in unsafe situations according to the circumstances.

* This information is from the "How Much Is Enough?" curriculum.  Check out Upcoming Events for the opportunity to meet with other parents and caregivers to learn more about this and other concepts!

Amy Johnson, MSW,is a Personal Parent Coach who is passionate about working with parents regarding balance, self-care and faith and sexuality. She is co-author of the book, Parenting by Strengths: A Parent's Guide to Challenging Situations.  Amy is also a member of the Best Parent Coaching Directory. Click here to contact Amy.

Tips for Taming Transitions

By Amy Johnson, MSW

Parent Coaching and Education

Ah, Autumn, time of transitions.  Summer is fading into autumn, school begins, schedules change, even the amount of daylight changes as the month marches on.

For some children and their parents, transitions are easy.  Changing routine comes more easily to them due to temperament and personality style.  For others, the battle begins.

Here are some tips to help you handle transitions if your September (or other transitioning times) are less than smooth. 

• Know your child’s temperament. According to the California Childcare Health Program, “Temperament is the natural, inherited style of behavior of each person. It is a combination of inborn traits and personal experience that shapes how we see and respond to the world around us. It is the ‘how’ of behavior, not the ‘why.’”  Temperament assessments, for instance, can help you understand if your child naturally adapts quickly to changes in routine, readily approaches new experiences, and generally has a positive mood, in which case getting ready for school may be a breeze.  On the other hand, if your child is more comfortable with what is familiar to her, so she is slower to adapt to new things and withdraws from new experiences, the transition may be more challenging. To learn about your child’s temperament, check out Ready for Life, a site with information and a quiz to get you started.  For more resources, you can go to my website and click on the recommended reading link.
• Remind your child of changes ahead.  Keeping changes “top of mind” can help some children.  Remind them in the morning that after school, it will be time for a snack and homework.  Making a visual schedule can also be helpful, especially as children get older and have more commitments, like soccer or scouts.  Seeing which day those occur and being reminded can help ease the tension.
• Give a warning before changing activities.  Many children, and even adults, need a little transition time between activities.  Giving young children a 2-minute warning and older children a 5-10 minute warning before dinner will be ready, before it’s time to get ready for bed, before it’s time to turn off media, etc, can help them mentally prepare.  They still may not be thrilled, but it can make things go a bit smoother.
• Establish predictable routines.  For many children, knowing that the order of the day is: school, day care or sports practice, homework, dinner, story time and bed can be helpful.  They know what comes next and that there is a place in their day for those things. 
• Take care of yourself.  Children deserve parents whose needs are met, so take a look at your schedule.  Is it over-crowded?  If so, what can go?  There is more to life than running from one activity to the next.  Make sure you and your child are getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, getting exercise, and have some down time in your week.

Use these tips to tame the transitions in your family this fall, and enjoy the harvest!

Amy Johnson, MSW,is a Personal Parent Coach who is passionate about working with parents regarding balance, self-care and faith and sexuality. She is co-author of the book, Parenting by Strengths: A Parent's Guide to Challenging Situations.  Amy is also a member of the Best Parent Coaching Directory. Click here to contact Amy.

 

Why Do They Do That?!

By Amy Johnson, MSW

Diligent Joy

Parent Coaching and Education

As your child heads back to school this fall, do you find yourself wondering about whether his or her behavior is typical for his or her age?

While it may not solve all the mysteries of parenting, here are some typical behaviors of school-aged children, ages 6-12*:

• Ask questions and gather information
• Practice and learn skills
• Belong to same-sex groups or clubs
• Compare, test, disagree with, set, break, and experience the consequences of rules
• Challenge parental values, argue, and hassle.
• May be open and affectionate, cantankerous, or self-contained, or may alternate among these

So, the next time your 10-year-old hassles you about a rule that’s “just not fair,” rest assured, he is right on track developmentally.  You can stand firm, and ask questions to help him think, such as:  “What are our rules about staying the night somewhere?  Good thinking.  No sleepovers on school nights.  What’s another time you could spend the night with Nick?”  And when your daughter puts a “No Boys Allowed” sign on her door, you can talk to her about when it’s appropriate to have “just girl” time, and how it feels to be left out. 

 

You may be wondering: what’s the use of all this behavior?  Here is a partial list of developmental jobs of children ages 6-12*-- some of the skills children in this age range are generally working on mastering.  Different children may be ahead in some areas and behind in others.  Still, knowing what the point is to all the hassling, rule-breaking, and mood swings can be a source of relief  and “a-ha’s” for many parents.

1. To learn skills, learn from mistakes, and decide to be adequate
2. To learn to listen in order to collect information and think
3. To reason about wants and needs
4. To check out family rules and learn about structures outside the family
5. To experience the consequences of breaking rules
6. To disagree with others and still be loved
7. To develop internal controls
8. To learn what is one’s own responsibility and what is the responsibility of others
9. To develop the capacity to cooperate
10. To test abilities against others

Knowing these developmental jobs can help a parent understand that when her children are arguing with each other about the rules of a game, they are actually doing one of their jobs.  Allowing them to continue, as long as no one is being hurt, can be helpful to their learning and growing, even though the temptation might be to intervene and tell them how to play. 

Remember, these lessons are as important in life as learning to read and write and compute mathematically.  Children who navigate these developmental jobs with support from parents tend to have a much smoother time during adolescence and into young adulthood. 

* For more information, see Growing Up Again by Jean Clarke and Connie Dawson.

Amy Johnson, MSW,is a Personal Parent Coach who is passionate about working with parents regarding balance, self-care and faith and sexuality. She is co-author of the book, Parenting by Strengths: A Parent's Guide to Challenging Situations.  Amy is also a member of the Best Parent Coaching Directory. Click here to contact Amy.

 

Help for Fun- Safe Cyber Teens

by Mary Ivory

The world of cyber space is ever expanding and it can be, well, exhausting to keep up with tweens and teens who know it better than most of us! So good news is a free book has been published that addresses teens about safe space in the world of being wired and connected. It addresses the dangers and fears of cyber world but with all important action steps to keep safe and how to address problems pronto!

I suggest it be a family book club selection and you read and discuss this book together.....

You get to encourage reading for comprehension and review safe behaviors all in one! What a win!

Download Own Your Space Teen Book _All Chapters This link will take you to a pdf of the entire book. It is a big file. It will take a few minutes to download to your computer.You may prefer the option in the next paragraph. 

You may want to go to the Own Your Space link and view the book by chapter selection. You can forward this link to your kids and they can help themselves.

I would love to hear what you think!