by Chuck Adam
Parenting today is a real challenge for most parents–perhaps more so than it was for our parents. There are many reasons for that, and they can be summed up in the idea that this is a far more complicated world than the one in which our parents raised us. Here are the two most difficult challenges I see for today’s parents.
Lack of Awareness
Early in life our parents taught us our values, how to relate to others, how to handle feelings, and how to parent, When we become parents, we typically do what we learned from out parents. This usually means a heavy dose of power-and-control type methods of influencing children to do the right thing, to behave well. Too often, however, they tend to invite resentment and conflict from our children. Thomas Gordon, in Parent Effectiveness Training, says this about the typical power methods of influence used by parents:
“It is paradoxical but true that parents lose influence by using power and will have more influence on their children by giving up their power or refusing to use it. Parents obviously will have more influence on their children if their methods of influence do not produce rebellion or reactive behavior. Non-power methods of influence make it much more likely that children might seriously consider their parents’ ideas or their feelings and as a result modify their own behavior in the direction desired by the parent...I have come to the conclusion that parents over the years have continued to use power because they have had very little, if any, experience in their own lives with people who use non-power methods of influence. Most people, from childhood on, have been controlled by power exercised by parents, school teachers, school principals, coaches, Sunday school teachers, uncles, aunts, grandparents, Scout leaders, camp directors, military officers, and bosses. Parents therefore persist in using power out of a lack of knowledge and experience with any other method of resolving conflicts in human relations.”
So a serious problem for many parents lies in the fact that they simply have not been taught non-power methods of relating.
Pride
Besides simply not knowing much about non-power methods of relating, though, most of us face another significant challenge as parents: our own pride. Virtually all parents want the very best for their children, and they really do know what’s best for them. Still, children often respond with hostility, stubbornness, and even defiance to their parents’ guidance. Part of this is the children’s own determination to do what they want to do. Part of it, too, might be resentment at the mere idea of being “bossed around.” And when we get challenged by them, we often get hooked by our own pride-–our own ego. Our desire for our kids to behave well is often not just a matter of what’s best for the child; it is often rooted in our conviction that their behavior is a reflection on us as parents (especially when we’re in public!). Then too, when those young ones resist or defy us, we can easily get caught up in defensiveness. After all, “I’m the parent, not you, and so I’m the boss.” Giving in to the child feels like backing down, and losing face. If we are further challenged by uncertainty about how best to respond, the our anxiety is made worse. This feeling stimulates us to try harder to exert our influence, and impose our will. It’s the perfect recipe for a power struggle. And power struggles can turn ugly, creating even bigger problems.
Our pride–-ego-–can also challenge us when we try to learn and practice new relationship skills that are not power-based. These methods of relating can feel like backing down or giving in. While they may, indeed, be a way of “backing off,” they are really not backing down. For example, listening to an outspoken child is hard partly because it might feel like we are being attacked, or because it might feel like we’re accepting crazy ideas. Using requests instead of commands might feel like we are weak instead of strong. Besides, what if they say No to the request? Using I-messages instead of you-messages (“I would like you to do X” instead of “You must do X”) also might feel weak or ineffective. To invite the child’s ideas (“Well, what do you think should be done?”) might feel like we don’t know what we should know, or we're letting the child take over.
Conclusion
Non power-based relationship skills are more effective in the long run because they are rooted in respect rather than ego. They invite cooperation rather than resistance. They represent a New School approach to parenting. For more ideas on this go to www.parentchildharmony.com. or check out these authors: Thomas Gordon, Jane Nelsen, and Alfie Kohn.
Chuck Adam
