Depression. Self-centeredness. Early peer pressure. Stressed out kids. Materialism. These are five scary trends that Michele Borba, author of “The BIG Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries” uncovered in researching her book.
Many parents, however, are unaware of these five trends which can cause their child problems now and later in life. Toni Schutta, host of the radio show “Real Parents. Real Solutions.” interviewed Borba on Oct. 28 and is sharing the information so more parents can be made aware of these trends and take steps to make changes.
- Let’s talk about Scary Trend #1: the early peer pressure our kids are facing to participate in harmful activities like sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarette use and shoplifting. Please share some practical steps that parents must take to prepare their kids to face these challenges.
- First, find the “hot spot” problem for your child. In 5th grade it’s shoplifting and a peer pushing a child into it. One in two kids will shoplift. In 4th grade some kids have their first drink and where is that happening? In your home when you’re not home. Sex. The first sexual encounter is in your home on a weekend when you’re not there. For teens, the number one issue is peer pressure. So,
1. Review your rules so your child knows your values.
2. Make sure your child uses good eye contact and strong body language. Rehearse it.
3. Use a strong voice.
4. Develop come back-up lines. For instance if a peer wants your child to smoke, he can say “My parents would kill me.” Or “My grandpa died of cancer. I don’t want to.”
Rehearse these over and over so your child becomes more confident, assertive and actually comes to believe it.
- Scary Trend #2 is “Generation Stress” What are the symptoms?
- For little kids look at sleeping and eating habits. Look for nightmares, clinginess, not doing homework. Lack of focus is a key one. For tweens, sweaty palms, reoccurring headaches and frequent colds or illnesses. Stress affects the immune system.
- What are some concrete solutions for stressed-out kids?
- Step 1 is to identify how your child exhibits stress. Step 2 is to reduce the causes of stress that you can. If CNN bothers your child, don’t watch it. If your child is overscheduled, reduce one activity. Step 3 is to develop new habits for change. Teach your child how to cope with the stress using yoga and deep breathing.
- Scary Trend # 3 is Self Centeredness. You state that we’ve turned kids into “narcissists.” How can you tell if your child is “narcisstic?”
- Sign #1 for a school-aged child is everything is about “me.” Sign #2 is can your child handle the glorious word “no?” Three is “gimme.” Your child always wants more. Four is your child is never really satisfied. 5. He’s always thinking “How will this play out for me?”
Q. What do you need to do to turn this around in your child if it’s a problem?
1. Identify it. 1. Switch your response. Start saying “no” and mean it. The average child whines 9 times and we give in. Know which buttons your child is pushing. 2. Start finding opportunities for your child to give to others. Start by modeling it yourself and then start expecting it of your children.
- Scary Trend #4 is Depression. Your research shows that 1 in 12 teens will suffer from a bout of depression. What are the symptoms and solutions?
A. There’s been a 114% increase in depression in tweens in the last 2 years and children as young as 3 are being diagnosed with depression. The line between sadness and depression is this. With sadness you can zap your way out of it. Take your child’s normal behavior and use the “too” factor. “Is the sadness lasting too long? Has it lasted every day for two weeks? Then it’s a red flag. Is it affecting too many areas of her life like soccer or friendships? Also, it’s too intense. Any of these are a sign that something’s going on with your child. It’s imperative that you get it checked out because your child is not going to be able to just walk away by themselves and fix it and if you can catch the first episode, your child will be much better off.
Q. Let’s talk solutions.
A. #1- Talk to others who know your child well to get some perspective. #2- Pick up the phone and call your pediatrician and then get some really good counseling. Ideally, find a child psychiatrist and child psychologist trained to work with children. You cannot turn this around on your own.
- Scary Trend #5 is Materialism. Does it boil down to giving your kids too much stuff and not requiring that they work hard to earn the stuff?
A. Yes. Even in the midst of the recession kids are still consuming more which means that they are now putting more of an emphasis on what I have versus who I am. Two out of three moms admit that their 3-year-old is calling for things by a brand name. The materialistic child is less appreciative for what he has. The more gratitude your child has, the higher the happiness quotient. The less materialistic, the higher self-esteem of the child.
- What do we need to do differently?
- A University of Minnesota study found that the best way to turn this around it to compliment your daughter on inside traits like kindness or being respectful. The more the praise for inside traits, the more the materialism went down and the more the self-esteem went up.
To listen to the complete interview you can go to: http://www.modavox.com/voiceamerica/vepisode.aspx?aid=42037
Byline: By Toni Schutta, Parent Coach, M.A., L.P.
To receive the free mini-course “The 7 Worst Mistakes Parents
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