Imagine that your middle-school child has a friend over and the other teen keeps texting other people while your child sits there. What do you do?
Imagine that all the cousins are playing in your living room. They’re having a good time wrestling and roughhousing and your nephew accidentally breaks your vase. When you ask him about it, he lies to you. What do you do?
Disciplining other people’s kids makes most parents squeamish. For good reason!Different families have different values. Some people feel uncomfortable imposing their values on others. You may feel like you’ve crossed a boundary.
Disciplining your own child in public can be hard enough, but when it’s someone else’s child it’s doubly hard. You may feel that you’re not responsible for that child’s behavior. You may also worry about embarrassing the other parent or implying that s/he is a “bad” parent.
Or maybe you’re one of those people who believes “It takes a village.” You feel as an “elder” in the community it’s your job to help keep children in line. When they’ve misbehaved, you have no trouble telling them to stop the bad behavior.
There’s no right and wrong answer to this dilemma. It’s really a matter of personal choice,
And there are more diplomatic methods of reining other people’s kids in that will not embarrass the other parents, the other child, or your child.
Here are some guidelines to help:
1) Think ahead. When other children are coming to your house, take a moment to think what could go wrong, particularly around safety. Then when the other child arrives, just say, “I want you to have a lot of fun while you’re here and we have just a few rules I’d like you to follow. For instance, if you have a pet, you may want to set boundaries about the pet. Or you may want to set a bedtime when there’s a sleepover at your house.
2) Problem-solve. When a problem occurs between two children, it’s likely that both children played a part in the escalation of the problem. You may have just heard or seen the last act. Your goal should be to solve the problem and move forward rather than assigning blame. A great idea it to have both children tell their side of the story and then you neutralize the problem by the language you choose. For instance, if one child took a toy from another child, you can call it a “sharing problem” and brainstorm ideas together about how to solve the “sharing problem.” Involve the children in the solution unless they’re younger than three-years-old.
3) Presume that the other parent didn’t see it. You might make a statement like, “Perhaps you didn’t see it, but I think that Johnny just hit my child.” Then you are giving the responsibility to the parent to discipline their child. If they don’t discipline the child you may have second thoughts about whether you share the same parenting values.
4) Presume that the other parent feels uncomfortable if the misbehavior occurs in front of others. Sometimes parents don’t discipline their child in front of others because they’re embarrassed or feel uncomfortable. The best solution is to empathize with the other parent to put him/her at ease. You might say, “My child was acting up at a friend’s house the other day and I felt so frustrated” to get the ball rolling.
5) Be diplomatic. It’s embarrassing to be disciplined in front of others so you can take the offending child aside and quietly tell him/her about the behavior you’d like to see changed.
6) Use language like “family rule.” Everyone has family rules (or should!) and so children may be familiar with that phrase. If a child misbehaves and it breaks your family rule you can say, “At our house, we have a family rule that there’s no texting at the dinner table.”
7) Team up with other parents. If there are children your child plays with a lot, have a discussion about the topic. Tell the other parents that you want them to make sure that your child follows the rules at their house. Ask them if they want you to do the same while the kids are at your house?
8) Use humor. Most parents are humor-impaired, but humor can go a long way in breaking tension in a tough situation. Do your best to lighten up and still get your point across to the other child.
9) Make sure safety guidelines are followed. It is your responsibility to keep other people’s children safe when they are at your house. Be sure to “discipline” to keep your child and others from getting hurt. Perhaps there are lesser offenses that you’re willing to let go.
Although you may feel uncomfortable at the thought of disciplining other people’s children, there are many options you have that can help keep everyone safe and still have a good time.
All the Best,
Toni Schutta
Parent Coach, M.A., L.P.
Families First Coaching
Helping Parents Find Solutions that Work
