By Steve Coxsey
If you have a chance to visit a Montessori school during a typical day, as opposed to during a special event day, you might see a refreshingly curious site. Two, or sometimes three or more, children might be sitting together at a table or in a small circle talking seriously. They’re not playing during free time, and they’re not working on a project together. They’re resolving conflicts with just a little bit of direction from their teacher.
For example, in my younger son’s senior elementary class, kids who are having trouble agreeing are encouraged to talk it out, with guidance only when necessary. (The ones who are getting loud in their disagreements are invited to discuss things on the bench just outside the door.) They look for resolutions that show respect to each person involved.
The key to this approach working out well nearly every time is in the subtlety of the purpose. A Montessori teacher doesn’t say, “Go away and don’t bother me.” He or she doesn’t say, “Figure this out because it’s just a nuisance to me.” A Montessori teacher says, “This conflict matters most to the two (or more) of you, and the solution will matter most to you, so think about what you want. Think about what you can give up to get agreement. Think about a way for both of you to win. I’m here if you get stuck.”
In their brilliant book Siblings Without Rivalry, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish guide parents on ways to decrease sibling conflict and remove themselves as the constant negotiator and judge. In a nutshell, they show parents how to convince children it’s better for them to resolve their conflicts, and then they teach them how to do it. They suggest parents say something like, “This problem really is more important to you than it is to me. My solution will be easy on me so it may not make you happy.”
The parent suggests ways to use conflict resolution skills and leaves them to it, stepping in only if asked. The parent reviews the decision to make sure the children are satisfied. The kids learn creative problem solving, they learn to put conflicts in context to understand the cost and the scale of them, and they learn how to work things out. People with the ability in themselves to resolve conflicts are more confident and capable dealing with others, and they can face challenging situations better. They gain the wisdom and flexibility that leads to resilience.
In their landmark book Parenting With Love And Logic, Foster Cline and Jim Fay take a similar stand. They encourage parents and teachers to help children take ownership both of their conflicts and the outcomes. They promote personal responsibility and the ability for children to solve their own problems. Their long-term goal is for children to learn to be strong, capable, contributing adults who can handle the difficult situations they will face as adults.
This is not the usual experience for a most children. Some adults spend a lot of time untangling children’s problems and the children learn to rely on them to do that. Other adults are annoyed and dismiss the children, either blaming both in a blanket way or proclaiming they want no part of it. Those children learn to be resentful. The conflict isn’t resolved, and they’re punished on top of it. They dread conflict so they avoid it. They learn to keep conflicts hidden, or to find sneaky ways to win and get back at the other person at the same time.
Many adults have a hard time resolving conflicts when they start working with a coach. They fall back on childish ways, such as avoiding conflict, manipulating, or being too forceful. Through the coaching process, they learn to detangle their own complicated situations. They identify their values and priorities and see where these relate to a conflict. They look at creative, alternative solutions. They think in advance, with empathy, about how the other person might respond. They learn to think of ways for both parties to win.
When people can comfortably navigate conflicts, they have more confidence. Instead of avoiding, or pushing too hard, and feeling small later, they feel empowered. Fewer situations can trip them up. They are more resilient, and they carry that with them always.
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Steve Coxsey is a Personal Development Coach who advocates Authentic Living. He enjoys coaching, training, and writing on mentorship skills for parents, teachers, and other leaders; authentic life work and creative career choice; and self-employment and small business development. He and his wife have two sons, one in high school and one in elementary. Steve has written several articles for parents and those who work with children. They are available on his Blog-zine under the heading The Mentorship Approach With Kids & Teens .
