by Chuck Adam
complaint I hear about children is this: “S/he doesn’t listen.” It’s a biggie in regard to spouses, too. And really, how can you communicate with someone who won’t listen? You can’t force them to communicate or to obey, because you don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot.
Another problem is this. Parents often say “S/he doesn’t listen” and they mean, “S/he doesn’t do what they’re told.” Again, what can you do? You can’t force them to, because you don’t have a remote control to their brain.
In each of these situations there is only one solution. That is dialogue. If you can’t talk something like this through with someone (no matter their age), what can you do? You don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot.
So let’s think about dialogue between you and that other person. How can you get them to listen to you, when you don’t have a remote control to their brain? There’s a secret to this. And most of the parents in the class I just finished ("Teaching Children to Listen") reported, as they always do, that things start improving almost immediately when they use this secret technique. (Luckily, the secret technique is an already-developed strength they all have. And you have it, too).
The secret technique to getting them to listen to you is to listen to them.
Here's why. You have to start with something you can control. And you can control your own behavrior,
but not theirs. And you know that yelling at them, or demanding that they listen, is not enough to make them do it (because you can't control their behavior). So stop using that approach, and try something really different. Try the opposite. Try listening to them. It's by far the single best way to encourage someone to listen to you because when you listen to them, they are more willing to then return the favor. When you treat me with respect first, I'm more likely to want to treat you with respect too. "What goes around comes around." And, "You get back what you give out."
Now, it just so happens that listening is the single most powerful thing you can do in a relationship. That’s why I’ve been saying for 35 years, “Listening is 90% of communication.” God gave us two ears, two eyes, and one mouth. Four out of five of those organs are for taking information in, and only one is for speaking it out. That’s 80% right there! Beyond that, though, listening has such incredible power and value in any relationship that it counts for 90% of what constitutes good communication. Consider the following.
1. Listening is the one and only thing I have ever found that one person can do for another that is never wrong! Any other kind or loving gesture can, given the person and the circumstances, be wrong,
offensive, or unwelcome. Not so with listening. You will never be wrong for listening to what another person has to say.
2. The goal of listening is to understand where another is coming from, to understand something s/he is trying to convey. And who doesn’t want to be understood? Respected? Cared about? When I listen, I automatically communicate “I’m here; I care; I acknowledge you and respect you.” When I listen, I'm non-verbally saying, “I care enough about you to put out the effort to try to understand you.”
3. Guess what! Listening actually does create understanding--understanding where the other is coming from, why they say what they say, how they feel, why they do things I might not like. It means I want to, and actively try to, empathize with their position. Think about it: Listening is the only way to gain that understanding.
4. Listening is harder work than speaking. It’s much easier for me to shoot my mouth off than listen to someone else shoot their mouth off. It takes real mental work to follow what they say, put myself in their place, and not interrupt, especially if I disagree with what I’m hearing, or if I think I know what they’re going to say. I might feel I’m right, and they’re wrong. I might think I must defend myself. When I listen I let go of defending.
5. Listening means I will be changed. This is threatening. If I truly hear and empathize with the other, I will have my own views about him/her changed by new information. And I don’t know how I will be changed. It means letting go of what I think in order to tune in to the other. It’s like being in a rowboat and leaving my safe and familiar little mooring in the fog, knowing I won’t get back to the same safe and familiar mooring, and yet not knowing exactly where I’ll end up. This is indeed kind of scary!
6. I will hear things I don’t want to hear. My ego might say, “This hurts!” Listening might make me feel like I’m giving up, or giving in, or paying attention to stuff I consider nonsense, or insulting. It takes courage. It’s easier to defend my own position than to be influenced enough by another that I must now integrate a new perspective into how I see him or her. Ego says, “s/he should be listening to me,” especially if s/he is my child. Listening requires ignoring all this, and putting my ego in its place.
7. Listening takes time that I might not have. So ego pipes up with, “I’m too busy and they talk too much. And they’re not saying anything worthwhile anyway. I don’t need or want to hear it. I know what they’re going to say anyway, so it’s easier to interrupt and get the whole thing over with. Why should I waste my time?”
8. Best of all, listening builds trust like nothing else can. If I can listen to you without judging, criticizing, interrupting, defending, or belittling, you will start to be honest and trust me with your innermost truths. Only then is real dialogue possible.
So, s/he won’t listen? By far the best way to encourage him/her to listen to you, since you don't have a remote control to their brain, is to put the ball in your own court, and you start listening to them. The many parents in my classes who do this and report positive results can't be wrong!
