For those of us who send our children off to college in the fall, parenting takes on a different tone. We have limited influence and often must rely on the foundations we have laid prior to the launch. One issue that many new college students face is sexual safety. Here are some guidelines to share with young adults you know and care about to help keep them safe from becoming a sexual assault victim while on their own--and for those teens still at home.
With their still-developing brains, many adolescents and young adults have not decided in advance what they want from an encounter when they are faced with a sexual situation. They have not necessarily thought through or practiced scenarios communicating their personal boundaries or how to get out of a situation that becomes uncomfortable.
When it comes to sexual violence, victims are most likely to be assaulted by someone they know—a date, a friend, a relative, a co-worker, an ex. Acquaintance rape, or using physical force, emotional bargaining, black mail or mind games to force sexual intercourse, accounts for up to 80% of all reported rapes. Perpetrators can also use the above techniques to force fondling or other unwanted sexual contact.
Here are some tips for both genders, especially those in college:
- Spend time thinking and discussing what role you want sex to play in your life at this time and what you are willing to and not to do. What specifically are your personal boundaries?
- Communicate expectations clearly, while sober, and allow your date or partner to do the same—if you think you know what your partner “really wants” even though he or she is saying the opposite, you are looking for trouble. Setting healthy boundaries while you are not under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or hormones is one of the steps you can take to keep yourself safe.
- Both men and women feel pressure to be sexually active. Both have the right to initiate contact and set limits and have them respected. Think for yourself—you are the one that has to live with your decisions.
- Remember that alcohol and drugs impair judgment and increase impulsive behavior while decreasing inhibitions. Be smart at parties about NEVER leaving a drink unattended (even pop) or accepting one from someone you would not trust with your life. Alcohol increases the effects of many date rape drugs, and the combination can be fatal. If you think you’ve been drugged, do not leave alone—go with a trusted friend or call 911. One method attackers use is to get a person who feels unsure if he or she has been drugged to leave alone--then they attack. Don't leave a party alone, especially if you think you've been drugged.
- Remember the definition of sexual consent is “agreeing to participate in a particular sexual behavior.” While laws vary from state to state, generally speaking, any age difference more than 2 years between minors is cause for concern about power differential and the ability to truly “consent.”
- If you are sexually assaulted, find a trusted person to tell immediately.
Especially for women:
- Be clear and assertive in your communication, especially when saying “no.”
- Trust your instincts, especially if you have any feelings of discomfort.
- While it is not your fault if you are attacked, know that allowing sexual behavior to continue without clear communication can lead to confusion in both you and your partner, making the situation more difficult to control.
Especially for men:
- Trust that “no” means “no,” and remember that forcing sexual behavior is never ok.
- Be responsible for your own actions. Desire does not mandate action.
- Don’t make assumptions. Clearly communicate with your partner about what each of you wants before taking action.
Stay safe out there!
Resources:
National Center for Victims of Crime: Phone: (202) 467-8700 http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=32306
SAFE: Sexual Assault Facts and Education http://www.rivervision.com/safe/ar.html
Amy Johnson, MSW, is a Personal Life and Parent Coach who is passionate about working with parents regarding balance, self-care and faith and sexuality. To read more by Amy, go to Diligent Joy Blog. Amy is also a member of the Best Parent Coaching Directory. Click here to contact Amy.
