Parenting by Strengths

"S/he Doesn't Listen."

by Chuck Adam

complaint I hear about children is this: “S/he doesn’t listen.” It’s a biggie in regard to spouses, too. And really, how can you communicate with someone who won’t listen? You can’t force them to communicate or to obey, because you don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot.

Another problem is this. Parents often say “S/he doesn’t listen” and they mean, “S/he doesn’t do what they’re told.” Again, what can you do? You can’t force them to, because you don’t have a remote control to their brain.

In each of these situations there is only one solution. That is dialogue. If you can’t talk something like this through with someone (no matter their age), what can you do? You don’t have a remote control to their brain, as if they were a robot.

So let’s think about dialogue between you and that other person. How can you get them to listen to you, when you don’t have a remote control to their brain? There’s a secret to this. And most of the parents in the class I just finished ("Teaching Children to Listen") reported, as they always do, that things start improving almost immediately when they use this secret technique. (Luckily, the secret technique is an already-developed strength they all have. And you have it, too).

The secret technique to getting them to listen to you is to listen to them.

Here's why. You have to start with something you can control. And you can control your own behavrior,

Encouraging Words

by Ginger Danz

Everybody loves praise, right?  For years we've been under the impression that giving kids frequent praise and compliments will raise their self-esteem and make them happy.  Parenting experts are suggesting a different approach these days, an approach that provides plenty of encouragement without a lot of praise.  The key is knowing the difference.  According to Psychologist Jane Nelsen, encouragement focuses on the effort a child has made whereas praise focuses on rewarding a behavior or making a value judgment about a fixed trait.  For instance, Nelsen suggests replacing praise such as “you are such a good girl” with “I really appreciate your help.”  Another common line of praise, “I'm so proud of you,” can be replaced with “you must have worked really hard on that.”   We've all seen praise work in the short run, but Nelsen believes it is the long run we should be thinking about.  She asserts,  “the long-term effect of encouragement is that it invites self-confidence.  The long-term effect of praise invites dependence on others.”

Praise may be an effective way to get kids to improve behavior, but it may also create “approval junkies” or kids who “resent or rebel against” the praise.  Writer and Parent Educator Alflie Kohn suggests that parents use praise in an attempt to control their children's behavior and to feel like “good” parents.  Kohn states, “Does praise motivate kids? Sure. It motivates kids to get praise.  But that, it soon becomes clear, suggests that we praise more because we need to say it than because children need to hear it.”  On the surface these seem like harsh words for parents who truly have their children's best interests at heart.   But I agree with Kohn that our job as parents is to love our kids unconditionally, let them take appropriate risks (and fail as well as succeed), and to give them the opportunity to evaluate their own feelings, thoughts and talents without our constant evaluative input.  Whew, this parenting stuff is a big job!

The good news is that some praise here and there won't wreck your kid for life, but it is a good idea to think of encouragement as the meat, vegetables and whole grains of your kid's self-esteem diet and praise as the occasional cupcake. 

Finding Your Strengths for the Challenge of Everyday Parenting...

by Mary Ivory

The Positive Psychology of the new millennium knows what excellent grandparents have always known, that is, we should go with our strengths. But since we did not get to pick our parents and our parents did not get to pick their parents, ad infinitum, there can be a shortage of excellent advice giving grandparents out there. But fortunately for us there is now a science of strength finding that can leap us over the fact of missing excellent grandparents. Today I want to talk to you as a coach who has seen many leaps with powerful yet simple exercises. I want you to know more about your strengths!

I am not talking about your good looks, your fashion sense or your muscle mass. Those are all wonderful, but I want you to look at the science naming your strengths, realizing your strengths and encourage you to use them more frequently. I am referring you to the work of Martin Sieglman and Chris Peterson, Ben Dean and Alex Linely. Many of you reading this are looking for help with your parenting.The best way to be better at parenting is to take an account of what ways you are your best in the world. Let's begin there. When we use our strengths more purposefully as a parent, the greatness occurs. A strength assessment is the place to begin. Fortunately it doesn't take long to begin. And we can benefit from a grant and the U of Pennsylvania, this one is free.

Keeping Safe from Sexual Assault

by Amy Johnson, MSW

For those of us who send our children off to college in the fall, parenting takes on a different tone.  We have limited influence and often must rely on the foundations we have laid prior to the launch.  One issue that many new college students face is sexual safety.  Here are some guidelines to share with young adults you know and care about to help keep them safe from becoming a sexual assault victim while on their own--and for those teens still at home.