by Ginger Danz
Everybody loves praise, right? For years we've been under the impression that giving kids frequent praise and compliments will raise their self-esteem and make them happy. Parenting experts are suggesting a different approach these days, an approach that provides plenty of encouragement without a lot of praise. The key is knowing the difference. According to Psychologist Jane Nelsen, encouragement focuses on the effort a child has made whereas praise focuses on rewarding a behavior or making a value judgment about a fixed trait. For instance, Nelsen suggests replacing praise such as “you are such a good girl” with “I really appreciate your help.” Another common line of praise, “I'm so proud of you,” can be replaced with “you must have worked really hard on that.” We've all seen praise work in the short run, but Nelsen believes it is the long run we should be thinking about. She asserts, “the long-term effect of encouragement is that it invites self-confidence. The long-term effect of praise invites dependence on others.”
Praise may be an effective way to get kids to improve behavior, but it may also create “approval junkies” or kids who “resent or rebel against” the praise. Writer and Parent Educator Alflie Kohn suggests that parents use praise in an attempt to control their children's behavior and to feel like “good” parents. Kohn states, “Does praise motivate kids? Sure. It motivates kids to get praise. But that, it soon becomes clear, suggests that we praise more because we need to say it than because children need to hear it.” On the surface these seem like harsh words for parents who truly have their children's best interests at heart. But I agree with Kohn that our job as parents is to love our kids unconditionally, let them take appropriate risks (and fail as well as succeed), and to give them the opportunity to evaluate their own feelings, thoughts and talents without our constant evaluative input. Whew, this parenting stuff is a big job!
The good news is that some praise here and there won't wreck your kid for life, but it is a good idea to think of encouragement as the meat, vegetables and whole grains of your kid's self-esteem diet and praise as the occasional cupcake.
This may take some practice. I am certainly guilty of doling out a frequent “good job!” or “oooh I like your painting!” So what do you do when your child does something praise-worthy? In his article “Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job,” (Young Children, 2001) Kohn offers the following suggestions:
1. Say nothing. If you believe that children are inherently good, then trust the fact that most of the time they will do/say the right thing and that if they don't they will learn much more effectively from their own mistakes then from your attempts to make them “act nice.”
2. Make a simple observation. Saying “I noticed you put your toys away” lets your child know you're paying attention and allows her to take pride in her own behavior. If your child draws a picture you could say “you really used a lot of yellow today!” If your child does something nice for someone you might point out how her behavior affected the other person, which again allows the child to feel pride in her own behavior instead of seeking your approval.
3. Ask more questions. If your child brings you a piece of her artwork, find out what she's experiencing by asking questions such as “how did you decide what to draw today?” or “what was the hardest part to draw?”
Even if you're still a little skeptical, try these suggestions and monitor your child's reactions. After all, you're the expert on what makes your child tick. I for one am not ready to completely eliminate “good job!” from my vocabulary and I want my child to know I'm proud of her. But I also want to give her the chance to be proud of herself.
