by Chuck Adam
Many parents feel that one of their biggest problems is arguing with, and yelling at, a headstrong, vocal child. I like to recommend a very direct approach that empowers these parents to end arguments and yelling before they begin.
First, I encourage them to recognize that it takes two to have an argument. It’s a very empowering thought to realize that “My arguments with my child are MY fault.” This is not blaming or “guilting” the parents. Its pointing out that they can completely eliminate all arguments by changing their own behavior as opposed to trying to get their child to change theirs.
Second, since they are almost always willing to buy into this line of thinking, I encourage these parents to experiment with a two-part technique: 1) I-messages that communicate “I am not going to argue
with you anymore,” and 2) following through by simply not doing it. This should be done after stating your position once on the contested issue, then remaining silent, and walking away if the child insists on yelling and trying to provoke the argument.
Parents come back with amazing stories about how the house is much quieter and their stress levels have gone down. Quite often their children, after following them around the house whining and sputtering their frustration the first few times, learn that that old tactic isn’t working anymore. And they calm down quicker.
Here are some I-messages that have helped parents avoid arguments, yelling, and power struggles.
1. “Honey, I’ve decided that I'm going to stop arguing with you.”
2. “I think that arguing is not good for us, so I’m not going to do it anymore.”
3. I would like your cooperation, but I know that if you don’t want to cooperate I can’t force you to. So, I’m not going to argue with you to get you to do things.”
4. “I need a timeout.” (Then leave, and return only when you have calmed down.)
5. “I don’t know what to say. I’ll get back to you later on that.”
6. I will be willing to listen to you when you respectfully tell me how you think or feel about something.”
7. “If you start to ‘go off’ on me, I will stop listening, and just walk away.”
8. “I feel disrespected when you talk that way, so I’ll leave now and we can talk later.”
Prevent the argument by walking away till you cool down. Come back later and try to negotiate an agreement. By not stooping to the child’s level, you will be teaching the child how to deal respectfully with someone they disagree with. You will also be learning how to feel more at peace.
